'Maximum wage' condemned by idiots who wrongly think they will become very rich

A PROPOSED earnings cap has been condemned by idiots who somehow believe they will be hugely wealthy one day. 

The limit, suggested by Jeremy Corbyn when an interviewer goaded him into saying something socialist for the hardcore fans, has been met with anger by the deluded, the hopeful and the just plain stupid. 

Unemployed dog-walker Wayne Hayes agreed: “I will definitely become a billionaire because I’ve got an idea for an app called ’Toast Finder’ that lets you find the nearest piece of toast. It’s perfect for hungry people.

“But the minute I make the big time, which is any day now, the life I’ve imagined all these years is suddenly snatched away by this communist freak? You’ve just lost my vote Mr Corbyn.” 

Mary Fisher of Hartlepool said: “I might win the lottery, or inherit millions from a rich and hitherto undiscovered relative which I then parley into a property empire, and I’m not having Jeremy take that all off me.

“I think he’s pre-emptively jealous of my lavish lifestyle, which will involve eating yoghurts on a speedboat like in an advert.”


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Man finds true happiness comparing himself to less successful friends

A MAN has discovered a profound sense of contentment and inner calm by comparing his fairly average life with the lives of unluckier friends.

Having spent years feeling inadequate next to his high-earning, house-owning, exotic holiday-going friends, Tom Booker recently began to focus on those friends who weren’t doing so well.

He said: “I was relieved to realise I know loads of losers. Normally I wouldn’t even think about them because their lives are so uninteresting to me, but by comparing myself to them, I feel great.

“If I focus on my mate Bryan who works at a cash and carry, for example, I feel like a king. The guy has absolutely no prospects and eats those microwave burgers that come in a bun. It’s a real mood lifter.

“Or there’s my friend Andy whose girlfriend left him right after he proposed to her. He had to be signed off work and hasn’t showered for months. Compared to him, I’m killing it”.

Booker added: “I’m meeting up with a couple of no-hopers this Friday for some beers. I can’t wait to compare our weekend plans because I know theirs are going to be even more depressing than mine.”