NEUROTIC cleaning obsessives have infiltrated the post-riot clean-up campaign, it was claimed last night.
Volunteers in the so-called ‘broom army’ dedicated to cleaning up riot damage have reported extreme fastidiousness, including getting between pavement cracks with toothbrushes, boiling pub banners and commandeering brushes to demonstrate ‘how to do it properly’ in a borderline angry, passive-aggressive tone of voice.
Tom Logan, from Clapham, said: “I’ve seen hoovers, bleach, buckets of thrice-boiled water and creepy white rubber gloves labelled ‘L’ and ‘R’.
“I’ve heard talk of ‘spritzing’ and witnessed children getting shouted at for stepping on pavement that’s just been picked clean by some nutter with tweezers.
“They’re hijacking what was suposed to be a really positive, 48-hour gesture. We’re Londoners, we need a certain amount of grease, animal droppings and Oasis bottles filled with a cloudy yellow liquid that may at one time have been Oasis.”
A cleaning obsessive who asked not to be named said: “In one square inch of road surface there’s 4,546,435 types of human faeces, each teeming with deadly bacteria that look like microscopic land mines with antlers and razor sharp teeth.”
She added: “And we are not using brooms, technically they’re brushes. Brooms have softer bristles.
“However I have brought both, plus a range of industrial cleaning products I ordered online from Switzerland because they contain certain ingredients that remain illegal under dirty Europen law.
“We must do more than sweep if we are to eradicate the germs. It’s a multi-stage process involving chemicals, steam and counter-clockwise mopping movements.
“But the only way to truly wipe out contamination is to eradicate all human and animal life.
“I may have said too much.”