Brown Now Dicking About With Fish And Chips

GORDON Brown last night added the size of chip shop chips to his list of things to dick about with.

As the government's healthy eating experts told chip shops to increase the size of their chips by 32.7%, across the county 58 million people said 'oh for the love of fucking Christ' in perfect unison.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency said chips 32.7% bigger than average have less saturated fat, can form part of a balanced diet and blah, blah, fucking blah, his whiny little voice piercing the stillness like a red hot needle of unbelievably annoying dickishness.

Looking all serious, he added: "Myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh."

Helen Archer, a mother of two who has voted Labour since 1997 and enjoys a deep fried cod at the weekend, said: "I'm sorry Gordon, I just can't do this any more."

And Charlie Reeves, a chip eater from Stevenage, said: "What are you doing? Seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

"I've had a hard day at work and I am just trying to have a bag of chips, you utter fucking prick."

He added: "I'm telling you right now – fuck the deficit, the environment, Afghanistan and the NHS. I will vote for whichever politician says this exact sentence – 'Chip shops can serve chips in whatever size they want'.

"I'm so tired."

Meanwhile, in a small cafe in Doncaster, van driver Martin Bishop placed his knife and fork gently next to his plate of haddock and chips, dragged his hands wearily down his face and added: "What? What the fuck is it now?

"Oh Jesus Christ, can I just have my dinner? I'm begging you. Can I just. Please. Have. My fucking. Dinner?"


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Cocaine 'Better Value Than Ever'

AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.

Experts say that with dealers and producers working together to drive down prices, a line of gak is now cheaper than a Starbucks Coffee, and several million times more likely to help you meet cool people.

Tom Logan, street drug analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Of course the cheaper, low-end, cocaine is more likely to be cut with brick dust or feline erection pills but, like Tesco Basics products, the quality's often better than you'd expect.

"On a moral note, there is still concern about the welfare of drug mules and coca farm labourers, but it's only fleeting concern of the type commonly felt for people living in hot places you'll never visit. Certainly it's not worrying enough to spoil a good night out on the nosebag."

Cocaine dealer Stephen Malley said: "At the end of the day people like coke because it's less fattening than lager and incredibly addictive.

"Plus, unlike the people who sell fruit smoothies, most cocaine dealers have the integrity to treat their customers with little more than thinly-veiled contempt, rather than pretending they're their bestest mates in the world ever and want to cuddle them, just because they've exchanged some money for a thing."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, recently switched from sloe gin to cocaine as her drug of choice.

She said: "I'd always thought of cocaine as only really affordable for special occasions. But its surprising cheapness has allowed me to buy in bulk, dealing directly with a cartel to ensure the best value.

"It is addictive and probably quite bad for you if you have too much. But the same applies to Battenburg cake, and no one seems to freak out about that, do they?"

She added: "Although it is rare that an overindulgence of Battenburg will make me all paranoid and fidgety while jibbering like a muppet."