Vicars will back gay marriage 'if they can read out the bit about killing them'

CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.

Across England, vicars said they would extend a ‘warm Christian welcome to the evil doers and their perverted bedtime acrobatics’.

Rev Denys Hatton, vicar of St Gary’s in Folkham, said: “I would kick things off with a spot of Corinthians, where St Paul makes it abundantly clear that homosexuals are ‘unrighteous’.

“Then I’d crank it up with a quote from Romans where St Paul describes them as ‘degrading’, ‘depraved’ and ‘indecent’.”

To prepare for the changes the Church of England is to publish a pamphlet for gay couples entitled, Welcome to the House of God – He Wants You Dead, By the Way.

The guide will make it clear the Church is legally obliged to perform same-sex blessings as long as the couples refrain from touching anything and agree to sit on plastic bags so they do not infect the pews with their Satanic bottoms.

Meanwhile the Rev Julian Cook, vicar of St Brian’s in Cladthorpe, said: “I would stick with Leviticus, lingering over the word ‘abomination’, before belting out the all-time classic ‘both of them have committed a detestable act – they shall surely be put to death!‘.

“And then perhaps a lovely hymn.”

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Labour Eyes Poll Boost From Ripper Release

GORDON Brown is considering granting parole to the Yorkshire Ripper in the hope of another opinion poll boost.

With Labour support rising in the face of a sterling crisis and fresh reports of his raging psychosis, the prime minister believes granting freedom to Peter Sutcliffe could see his party draw neck and neck with the Conservatives.

A Downing Street source said: "Just lately it seems Britain is telling us it wants us to do loads of really bad things.

"It's like it's imagining all the dark, horrible places it wants to go but can't, but then it's looking at us all funny and saying 'but you could do it, couldn't you? Go on'."

The source added: "We're currently drawing up a list of nasty, oddball shit that we reckon could give us a majority of at least 85. Honestly, you don't want to know. Oh, okay…

"Number one – release the Yorkshire Ripper. Number two – have Gordon get caught masturbating over the Cenotaph at two o'clock in the morning, number three – use the Budget to give massive tax breaks to Gary Glitter and Jonathan King.

"And number four – my personal favourite – nudging David Jason in front of a bin lorry."

Meanwhile the Conservatives are considering a shift to the right to rescue their flagging campaign, including a renewed focus on all them brown people what keep coming over here and that.

A party insider said: "Yesterday I saw a discussion memo titled 'Unleashing the Inner Tebbit'. I'm a bit frightened."