CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.
Across England, vicars said they would extend a ‘warm Christian welcome to the evil doers and their perverted bedtime acrobatics’.
Rev Denys Hatton, vicar of St Gary’s in Folkham, said: “I would kick things off with a spot of Corinthians, where St Paul makes it abundantly clear that homosexuals are ‘unrighteous’.
“Then I’d crank it up with a quote from Romans where St Paul describes them as ‘degrading’, ‘depraved’ and ‘indecent’.”
To prepare for the changes the Church of England is to publish a pamphlet for gay couples entitled, Welcome to the House of God – He Wants You Dead, By the Way.
The guide will make it clear the Church is legally obliged to perform same-sex blessings as long as the couples refrain from touching anything and agree to sit on plastic bags so they do not infect the pews with their Satanic bottoms.
Meanwhile the Rev Julian Cook, vicar of St Brian’s in Cladthorpe, said: “I would stick with Leviticus, lingering over the word ‘abomination’, before belting out the all-time classic ‘both of them have committed a detestable act – they shall surely be put to death!‘.
“And then perhaps a lovely hymn.”
