Brown Now Dicking About With Fish And Chips

GORDON Brown last night added the size of chip shop chips to his list of things to dick about with.

Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

As the government's healthy eating experts told chip shops to increase the size of their chips by 32.7%, across the county 58 million people said 'oh for the love of fucking Christ' in perfect unison.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency said chips 32.7% bigger than average have less saturated fat, can form part of a balanced diet and blah, blah, fucking blah, his whiny little voice piercing the stillness like a red hot needle of unbelievably annoying dickishness.

Looking all serious, he added: "Myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh, myeh."

Helen Archer, a mother of two who has voted Labour since 1997 and enjoys a deep fried cod at the weekend, said: "I'm sorry Gordon, I just can't do this any more."

And Charlie Reeves, a chip eater from Stevenage, said: "What are you doing? Seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

"I've had a hard day at work and I am just trying to have a bag of chips, you utter fucking prick."

He added: "I'm telling you right now – fuck the deficit, the environment, Afghanistan and the NHS. I will vote for whichever politician says this exact sentence – 'Chip shops can serve chips in whatever size they want'.

"I'm so tired."

Meanwhile, in a small cafe in Doncaster, van driver Martin Bishop placed his knife and fork gently next to his plate of haddock and chips, dragged his hands wearily down his face and added: "What? What the fuck is it now?

"Oh Jesus Christ, can I just have my dinner? I'm begging you. Can I just. Please. Have. My fucking. Dinner?"