Cadbury warned not to tamper with whatever the f**k is inside Creme Eggs

CREME Egg fans have told Cadbury not to change that weird shit in the middle.

After the company changed the ingredients of the chocolate shell, consumers said the recipe for the yellow and white goo is both unknowable and sacred.

Katherine Walker, from Hatfield, warned Cadbury: “You’re already out of your depth with this chocolate bullshit.

“If you even think about changing the recipe of whatever the fuck that stuff is, you better write me an apology song.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I actually scoop out the goo and throw the chocolate away. I don’t eat the goo, I use it as shower gel.”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “It’s filth. That’s why I can’t stop.”


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Stupid business idea sickeningly successful

A TERRIBLE business idea has made an entrepreneur undeservedly rich, it has emerged.

Fucked. Up.

Former marketing executive Donna Sheridan now has a personal fortune of £20 million thanks to her idea of swimwear for pets.

Sheridan said: “I was walking my basset hound Jools on the beach when the idea hit me. Would pets like their own range of swimwear, and will imbeciles pay for it?

“I immediately took out a bank loan that no responsible lender should have authorised and I soon had a factory turning out bikinis for dogs, one-pieces for cats and swim shorts for budgies.

“Despite animals not needing, wanting or understanding swimwear, it really took off and soon I had to set up a highly profitable retail chain to meet demand.”

Despite Sheridan’s already massive unwarranted success, she will soon be even richer after the government offered her a £1.2 billion contract to supply all police dogs with tight-fitting trunks.

She added: “My next step is to diversify into laptops for pets, which is even more pointless but more expensive.”

Sheridan has been shortlisted for Businessperson of the Year 2015, although she faces stiff competition from the creators of scented trousers, pre-brewed microwaveable tea and organic patio heaters.