Campaign to make pubs unbearable continues

BRITAIN’S public houses will be functionally unbearable by 2030, it has been revealed.

Amid plans to ban smoking in the same postcode as pubs, many patrons have admitted defeat and vowed to convert their children’s bedroom into a boisterous tavern.

Drinker Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t smoke in my local boozer and thanks to aggressive taxation and the rise of ‘craft beer’ I can’t drink there any more, either. The kids can go to bed at midnight after I’ve called last orders and cleaned the ashtrays.

“It’s like I’ve been very, very slowly barred from my pub by the process of making it even more unbearable than spending the night at home.”

Calls for the ban came after a woman in Carlisle caught the faint, delicious whiff of a Marlboro Light whilst devouring a roast dinner in a beer garden last Sunday.

Nikki Hollis, a nightmare, said: “If you don’t mind, I’m trying to eat a 2,000-calorie meal the size of a Somalian while washing it down with enough Pinot Grigio to float a canoe. These wisps of smoke could kill me.”

Hayes added: “I assume pubs will still be allowed to fill their beer gardens with braying, obnoxious arsewits?”

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‘I’ll wear a tie when you wrap it around my cold, dead neck’, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn will never wear a tie as long as there is breath in his body, he has confirmed.

The Labour leadership candidate has set out his position on ties, hats and scarves, insisting hats are brilliant, scarves are useful and ties are fascist.

He said: “They’re silky chains of oppression, used by oligarchs to enslave you. None of you like wearing ties, but you do it because of capitalism. I refuse to be part of the machine.”

Corbyn added: “You can make me wear a tie, but you better be comfortable playing dress-up with a corpse.”

But the left-winger’s leadership rivals warned that Corbyn would be tie-less at key events such as prime minister’s questions and Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph.

Andy Burnham said: “It would leave hard-working families confused and angry and would cause these important events to be cancelled.

“I wear a tie. It’s a red one which shows that I love the NHS, but also understand the world of business and offices.”

Meanwhile, Yvette Copper dismissed Corbyn’s ‘open-necked fantasy world’, adding: “Men should always wear a tie at the Cenotaph, but women shouldn’t because that would be weird.”