Campaigners Welcome Plan For Free-Range Pensioners

MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.

'We're supposed to be meeting Spencer Tracy'

Campaigners, including Help the Aged and Age Concern, said the tags would help Britain comply with new EU regulations designed to end the scandal of overcrowded pensioner sheds.

Tom Logan, deputy director of Age Concern, said: "For years the UK pensioner industry has kept old people in rows of tiny cages because it made so-called 'economic sense'.

"But their natural instinct is to range over a wide area, looking for things to eat, covering themselves in dust and emptying their bowels on fresh grass."

He added: "Over the years we have been able to release hundreds of old people and allow them to roam free and follow their natural instincts.

"Unfortunately many of them do have a tendency to roam into Currys and claim to be having lunch with Katherine Hepburn."

Mr Logan said the new tags would allow free-range OAP-keepers to leave doors and windows open, safe in the knowledge that if a pensioner does roam too far they can be quickly caught, sedated and returned to their big chair in front of Deal Or No Deal.