Camper van creates illusion of freedom

THE purchase of a camper van will not make your life meaningful or free, it has emerged.

As the holiday season begins, millions of desperate office workers are thinking heavily-romanticised thoughts about buying a vehicle with an uncomfortable bed and a potty in it.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “I’m going to buy a Jamie Oliver van, put a surf board on the top and drive around Cornwall with a terrier with one of those little hankies round his neck. I will definitely pick up an attractive female hitch-hiker in a battered straw hat and have consensual sex with her.

“Then we’ll look at the sunset and think deep thoughts while feeling truly alive.”

However VW Camper owner Roy Hobbs said: “Mine’s just sitting in the drive, rusting. I’ll take it out next week so that it can go and fail its MOT.

“Basically I’ve slept in it four nights, which means as a form of accommodation it is slightly more expensive than the Savoy.

“I have had no additional sex since buying it, or noticed any increase in my personal liberty or freewheelingness.”

Vintage camper owner Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently ‘freedom’ means ‘travelling slowly in considerable discomfort while using shitloads of petrol’.

“Although I suppose in normal, conventional life you don’t get to cook sausages on a  faulty gas ring while crouched next to a plastic box containing human faeces.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

Being one of the 1% of the male population who hates football, I was most disappointed to discover that the One Show is off air for a fortnight due to the European championships. How is a red blooded gentleman expected to relieve the day’s tension without Alex Jones and her adorable Welsh cleavage?


Dear Ryan,

The other evening, I was supposed to be in bed asleep, but I was totally buzzing from having eaten a packet of Skittles and half a pound of Millions after brushing my teeth, so I snuck downstairs, hid behind the sofa and spied on my Daddy watching the football whilst working through my sugar come-down. Although it was pretty boring watching little men running around a field, I did pick up some excellent spectator vocabulary, including ‘you fucking French garlic wankers’ and ‘play him wide you Scouse bastard’ and ‘come on lads, get into this shower of shite’. I can’t wait to test them out from the sidelines of the sack race at sports day next week.

Hope that helps!