Capitalist overlords behind budget cooking trend

BRITAIN’S capitalist overlords are secretly orchestrating the trend for nutritious low-cost recipes.

Corporate chiefs hired Jamie Oliver and Jack Monroe to promote budget home cooking, which is the best way of keeping workers alive without paying them more.

Factory owner Denys Finch Hatton said: “My workers could eat daube de poison for all I care, so long as they have enough energy to do their repetitive, dehumanising tasks.

“If they develop a taste for the fancy, expensive food I enjoy they’ll inevitably need more cash, which is where Jamie Oliver comes in.

“His cheeky, h-dropping propaganda keeps wages low by convincing the slaves that eating gristly cuts of meat and flavourless courgette casseroles is somehow a good thing.”

Call centre worker Tom Logan said: “I’m paid the minimum wage to waste my life in a dead-end job, so obviously when I get home I’m desperate to be creative with ‘surprisingly tasty’ beans and pulses.

“Similarly, I love spending my precious weekend scrabbling through the Whoops! shelf in the supermarket like the lowest bottom-feeder looking for ‘bargains’ that I had no desire to eat in the first place.”

Budget chef Jack Monroe said: “Most people who follow my column in the Guardian have no idea I’m in the pay of the CBI and eat roast snow leopard every night.”

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Britain somehow manages to drag itself away from the curling

BRITAIN turned up for work today even though there is curling on the television.

Millions of workers congratulated each other on their strength of character and pledged mutual support until they can rush home and immerse themselves once more in the icy drama.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “I thought I’d be a gibbering wreck by now. The fact I’m sitting at my desk while men are curling on television is nothing short of incredible.

“I constantly think about sneaking off to the bogs with my phone to take in a couple of ‘curls’. But, by some miracle, I manage not to.”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “I understand the play-offs were ‘tense’. Normally you can’t keep away from something tense. So I’m a bit like a heroin addict going cold turkey.

“Thank god it’s almost over. I just hope they don’t find a way of making those big stones move any slower.”