Reality to be rebooted

OUR shared reality is to be turned off and started again after becoming glitchy and confusing.

Reality, which has been running for billions of years, was scoring poorly with focus groups who couldn’t remember the plot and thought it had too many characters.

Quantum physicist Dr Helen Archer said: “It was really good at first, but as time’s gone on it’s become confused and impossible to get into if you’re not already following it.

“By starting again at the beginning, like they did with James Bond, we can throw out some of the more contrived events and bring in a whole new audience.

“DC Comics does this every few years to make sure that Batman remains accessible to audiences and to delete some of the Robins he’s carelessly killed. It’s just common sense.”

The reboot will cancel the extinction of the dinosaurs, make Jesus’s hair less like Russell Brand’s and restore the Central Asian centaur population which was removed in the last reboot.

British history will be reduced from an unwieldy two millennia to a more manageable 250 years, with all the dull kings and most wars with the French removed.

Tom Booker of Croydon said: “Apparently there’s every chance that I’ll wake up with a new wife, home, job and life that may only bear the slightest resemblance to the one I had previously.

“Whatever. I could do with a change.”

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Daily Mail replaces Paul Dacre with Alain de Botton

THE Daily Mail has sacked long-time editor Paul Dacre and replaced him with the philosopher Alain de Botton.

Owner, Viscount Rothermere, said: “I read Alain’s website, the Philosophers’ Mail, and just loved it. Alain is a gentle, thoughtful human, whereas Paul Dacre’s a lunatic who frightens me each and every day.

“Alain will turn the Daily Mail into something wise and beautiful that radiates truth, intelligence and, most importantly, love.

“And, best of all, Alain doesn’t want any money. He just wants five minutes a day to look at a tree.

“Unlike Dacre, who is a greedy bastard.”