Capping child benefit 'will lead to angry, sober middle-class mothers'

THE child benefit cap is to be rethought amid warnings over the impact on middle-class stay-at-home afternoon-drinking mothers.

Nick Clegg, the self-styled deputy prime minister, pledged the government would do more to protect women from the unbearable horror of sober parenting.

Francesca Johnson, a London mother of three, said: “My big-earning, arsehole husband had a point to prove about his virility and saddled me with three fucking kids.

“I used to discuss Iranian cinema and go antique hunting in Bucharest. Now I watch Peppa Pig on a loop. Do you want a fight?”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, added: “That £80 a month puts enough Stolly through my veins to blunt the force of my rage. Without it, these little shits will be in care in by Easter. If I haven’t sold them to a Chinese laboratory.”

Studies show that the disinterested, distant childcare produced by the haze of permanent drunkenness is vital to creating a generation with something to prove to their parents.

Nick Clegg said: “We have to recognise the emotional damage that can be caused to children whose mothers aren’t able to get shitfaced while sitting on a parkbench.

“Let me emphasise that this is nothing to do with pressure from my wife, who only puts away a bottle and a half of Rioja at lunch because she’s Spanish and it’s part of their culture.”


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Superyacht sets new standards in prick-focused design

A VAST floating pleasure palace is the ultimate prick machine, its designers have claimed.

Vava II is 96 metres of gleaming, aerodynamic prickishness, commissioned by some rich prick, partly to keep his orange trophy wife happy but mainly just to show off.

It features a jewel-powered dog manicure robot, a crystal cannon that fires big balls of money into the sky and a vast, soulless discotheque with Jean-Claude Van Damme permanently unconscious in the corner.

Designer Stephen Malley said: “When I first met the client I knew immediately he was a prick on a massive scale. I then set about incorporating his unbridled prickishness into every detail.”

He added: “Vava II will now host parties where fat, old pricks in salmon-pink polo shirts will loll around sipping champagne and ogling dead-eyed young women dancing to commercial hip hop while yet more pricks arrive by helicopter.

“If it isn’t sucked into a whirlpool or visited by a mysterious red-masked stranger who gives everyone on board the ebola virus, there is no God.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to pen a suicide note.”

Meanwhile, Catholic bishops congratulated the owners for not wasting the money on charity but urged them not to use the boat as a venue for unnatural weddings.