'Cheeky' kid actually complete little bastard

A CHILD described as ‘cheeky’ is actually a menace to everyone around him, it has been confirmed.

Relatives regularly describe six-year-old Tom Booker as ‘cheeky’, ‘mischievous’ and a ‘rascal’, but teacher Martin Bishop prefers the expression ‘evil little bastard’.

Bishop said: “When Tom’s mum said he was cheeky I assumed he’d be prone to acting the clown, not constantly hitting people and asking if I’m an ‘arse bandit’.

“Tom’s cheekiness also includes threatening to ‘smash the place up’ if you ask him to sit down. I’d be scared myself if he wasn’t four feet tall with a ridiculous squeaky voice.

Tom’s mother Lisa said: “Tom can be a bit of a handful. He’s always coming out with some cheeky comment like ‘Mummy, why has that man got no hair?’, or ‘Look at that fucking fat bitch!’

“I admit he enjoys setting fire to buses, but it’s not arson, it’s just being a scamp.”

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New mum trapped in Whatsapp group

A NEW mum’s entire life has been taken over by a Whatsapp group about baby buggies, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford cannot leave the ‘Well Buggy Me’ group because she would hurt a vague acquaintance’s feelings, but is reading up to 183 messages a day and has not had a non-buggy related thought since mid-January.

Bradford said: “I used to read books and consider philosophical questions. Now my time is spent wondering if the Upper Baby Cruz is better than the Bugaboo Bee.

“I have essentially become the group, and the only possible escape is death.

“But I have a child to raise and most importantly I’ve just joined another Whatsapp chat about potty training.”

She added: “By the way, the Bugaboo is easier to fold up and anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar.”