Child uses time on naughty step to plot devastating revenge

A CHILD who has been put on the naughty step to think about what he has done is instead planning how to destroy his parents utterly.

Five-year-old Tom Logan has gone through all the usual motions of stamping his feet and crying while plotting ways in which to wreak a whirlwind of vengeance.

He said: “They’ve put me on the bottom step for seven minutes to reflect on why I deserve punishment. Right next to where they keep the car keys. Fascinating.

“Or there’s Mummy’s secret packet of Marlboro Lights in her jacket pocket that I could pop on the hall table, or I could just reset the internet router. All with minimal effort.

“Other options include switching off the freezer, hiding under the stairs so they think I’ve been abducted, or simply having a quiet piss in a corner.

“It might seem a bit over the top, but your brain goes some really weird places when all you have for stimulation is Horrid sodding Henry and The Cat in the fucking Hat.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Man refusing to work out in case he becomes too sexy

A MAN is refusing to exercise because it might increase his sexual magnetism to a level that is hazardous for others. 

Joe Turner told friends that he would like to go to the gym, but adding a sculpted body to his good looks and charisma would not be fair to others.

He added: “Fat’s all I’ve got. Without that there’s nothing between me and Idris Elba.

“It’s taken years of a sedentary lifestyle, combined with sandwiches and Tizer, but it’s a sacrifice I have to make if it stops women walking into lamp posts. I don’t need the hassle.”

He added: “I’ve just left one girlfriend because in certain lights my man boobs looked like bulging, oiled pecs and she couldn’t take it.”

Turner’s ex, Emma Bradford, said: “Nathan is a chunky twat, but he doesn’t struggle with self-confidence.”