Child uses time on naughty step to plot devastating revenge

A CHILD who has been put on the naughty step to think about what he has done is instead planning how to destroy his parents utterly.

Five-year-old Tom Logan has gone through all the usual motions of stamping his feet and crying while plotting ways in which to wreak a whirlwind of vengeance.

He said: “They’ve put me on the bottom step for seven minutes to reflect on why I deserve punishment. Right next to where they keep the car keys. Fascinating.

“Or there’s Mummy’s secret packet of Marlboro Lights in her jacket pocket that I could pop on the hall table, or I could just reset the internet router. All with minimal effort.

“Other options include switching off the freezer, hiding under the stairs so they think I’ve been abducted, or simply having a quiet piss in a corner.

“It might seem a bit over the top, but your brain goes some really weird places when all you have for stimulation is Horrid sodding Henry and The Cat in the fucking Hat.”

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Man refusing to work out in case he becomes too sexy

A MAN is refusing to exercise because it might increase his sexual magnetism to a level that is hazardous for others. 

Joe Turner told friends that he would like to go to the gym, but adding a sculpted body to his good looks and charisma would not be fair to others.

He added: “Fat’s all I’ve got. Without that there’s nothing between me and Idris Elba.

“It’s taken years of a sedentary lifestyle, combined with sandwiches and Tizer, but it’s a sacrifice I have to make if it stops women walking into lamp posts. I don’t need the hassle.”

He added: “I’ve just left one girlfriend because in certain lights my man boobs looked like bulging, oiled pecs and she couldn’t take it.”

Turner’s ex, Emma Bradford, said: “Nathan is a chunky twat, but he doesn’t struggle with self-confidence.”