Sunday, 26th January 2020

Woolly Mammoth or Giant Elk? Which extinct creature should be the next Tory leader?

WHICH of the neolithic era’s extinct creatures would you like to lead our country once Theresa May has gone?

Cave bear Even Michel Barnier might offer concessions on the Irish backstop when faced with this skull-crunching bastard. Weighing up to 2,000lbs in a nod to British obesity, he’d stand ready to put us back on the world stage with a roar.

Giant elk One of the largest deer that ever lived with enormous, crowning antlers and an incredibly high opinion of itself, it suddenly became extinct for no reason apart from its own unwieldy idiocy.

Woolly mammoth Imagine this friendly fellow on the steps of Downing Street. What party wouldn’t go into coalition with his winning combination of massive tusks, warm coat and reassuring bulk? He could announce a 7pm shoot-on-sight curfew and we’d all smile indulgently.

European timber wolf If the members of the Conservative Party were offered the choice of Michael Gove or a wolf famous for preying on humans in packs and devouring their flesh, they would be mad to vote for Gove. They will probably vote for Gove.