Woolly Mammoth or Giant Elk? Which extinct creature should be the next Tory leader?

WHICH of the neolithic era’s extinct creatures would you like to lead our country once Theresa May has gone?

Cave bear
Even Michel Barnier might offer concessions on the Irish backstop when faced with this skull-crunching bastard. Weighing up to 2,000lbs in a nod to British obesity, he’d stand ready to put us back on the world stage with a roar.

Giant elk
One of the largest deer that ever lived with enormous, crowning antlers and an incredibly high opinion of itself, it suddenly became extinct for no reason apart from its own unwieldy idiocy.

Woolly mammoth
Imagine this friendly fellow on the steps of Downing Street. What party wouldn’t go into coalition with his winning combination of massive tusks, warm coat and reassuring bulk? He could announce a 7pm shoot-on-sight curfew and we’d all smile indulgently.

European timber wolf
If the members of the Conservative Party were offered the choice of Michael Gove or a wolf famous for preying on humans in packs and devouring their flesh, they would be mad to vote for Gove. They will probably vote for Gove.

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Passive-aggressive Mother’s Day gifts for terrible mothers

SOMETIMES a World’s Best Mum mug just won’t cut it – not because a mug is an inadequate gift, but because your mother is an inadequate parent.

So what’s the perfect gift for the mum who is the ‘World’s Best’ at undermining you in public?

Take her on a spa break
The hot vapour in the steam room will mask your tears of resentment. She can breathe eucalyptus fumes into that cavern where her maternal instincts should be.

Bake her something rubbish
She’ll think it’s sweet but you’ll know it’s revenge for all the years your birthday cakes were nowhere near as good as Darren’s mum’s.

Buy her some bulbs for the garden
Because she’s somehow excellent at nurturing bloody flowers.

Make her a cross stitch
Include the names of your brother, sister, nieces, nephews, cousin, cat. Basically all the names she remembers before she gets to yours.

Give her a hamster
Let’s see if she manages to care for something over a two-year lifespan. Regularly use it as an opportunity to debate the merits of eating your own young.

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