Christmas booze already finished

ALL the alcohol that was being saved for Christmas Day has been drunk, Britain has confirmed.

The nation faces a last minute ‘booze rush’ after millions of consumers stocked up on Christmas drinks in November in the absurd belief that they would still be there a month later.

Mary Fisher, from Hatfield, said: “We got a litre of vodka for the festive period and a nice bottle of malt whisky for when we have friends over on Christmas Eve.

“The whisky was particularly good.”

She added: “We’ve done at least another two or three Christmas shopping trips since then but now it’s time to do the real one.”

Alcohol consultant, Julian Cook, said: “The trick is to buy stuff that you don’t especially like.

“A bottle of Martini Rosso or an eight pack of Kestrel will always be waiting to greet you on Christmas morning.”

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Atheist child being read Bible as fairy tale

A SIX-YEAR-OLD is being read the Old Testament as a fairy story by her proudly atheist father.

Eleanor Cook , who wanted something about princesses and dragons, is now halfway through Leviticus with another 36 books to go.

Her father Julian Cook said: “She asked for a fairy story, but they reinforce negative stereotypes about female lack of agency and I’ve told her she wants to be an architect.

“Then it hit me – the ultimate fairy tale is the Bible, good only for the entertainment of tired, credulous children.

“I read it all in a sardonic voice to underline how ridiculous it all is, and after each chapter we discuss all the scientific implausibilities and have a good laugh at them.”

Eleanor said: “I liked the bit with the animals on the ark and all the plagues that the Egyptians get for being bad to Moses.

“When I’m older I might join a club where we talk about the stories and how great they are, and maybe draw some pictures.

“Daddy says it’s important that I don’t grow up believing in an idealised, omnipotent father figure who can fix everything if you just ask.

“I’ve said I don’t think he has to worry.”