Cocaine 'Better Value Than Ever'

AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.

Experts say that with dealers and producers working together to drive down prices, a line of gak is now cheaper than a Starbucks Coffee, and several million times more likely to help you meet cool people.

Tom Logan, street drug analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Of course the cheaper, low-end, cocaine is more likely to be cut with brick dust or feline erection pills but, like Tesco Basics products, the quality's often better than you'd expect.

"On a moral note, there is still concern about the welfare of drug mules and coca farm labourers, but it's only fleeting concern of the type commonly felt for people living in hot places you'll never visit. Certainly it's not worrying enough to spoil a good night out on the nosebag."

Cocaine dealer Stephen Malley said: "At the end of the day people like coke because it's less fattening than lager and incredibly addictive.

"Plus, unlike the people who sell fruit smoothies, most cocaine dealers have the integrity to treat their customers with little more than thinly-veiled contempt, rather than pretending they're their bestest mates in the world ever and want to cuddle them, just because they've exchanged some money for a thing."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, recently switched from sloe gin to cocaine as her drug of choice.

She said: "I'd always thought of cocaine as only really affordable for special occasions. But its surprising cheapness has allowed me to buy in bulk, dealing directly with a cartel to ensure the best value.

"It is addictive and probably quite bad for you if you have too much. But the same applies to Battenburg cake, and no one seems to freak out about that, do they?"

She added: "Although it is rare that an overindulgence of Battenburg will make me all paranoid and fidgety while jibbering like a muppet."


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Vicars will back gay marriage 'if they can read out the bit about killing them'

CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.

Across England, vicars said they would extend a ‘warm Christian welcome to the evil doers and their perverted bedtime acrobatics’.

Rev Denys Hatton, vicar of St Gary’s in Folkham, said: “I would kick things off with a spot of Corinthians, where St Paul makes it abundantly clear that homosexuals are ‘unrighteous’.

“Then I’d crank it up with a quote from Romans where St Paul describes them as ‘degrading’, ‘depraved’ and ‘indecent’.”

To prepare for the changes the Church of England is to publish a pamphlet for gay couples entitled, Welcome to the House of God – He Wants You Dead, By the Way.

The guide will make it clear the Church is legally obliged to perform same-sex blessings as long as the couples refrain from touching anything and agree to sit on plastic bags so they do not infect the pews with their Satanic bottoms.

Meanwhile the Rev Julian Cook, vicar of St Brian’s in Cladthorpe, said: “I would stick with Leviticus, lingering over the word ‘abomination’, before belting out the all-time classic ‘both of them have committed a detestable act – they shall surely be put to death!‘.

“And then perhaps a lovely hymn.”