Labour Eyes Poll Boost From Ripper Release

GORDON Brown is considering granting parole to the Yorkshire Ripper in the hope of another opinion poll boost.

With Labour support rising in the face of a sterling crisis and fresh reports of his raging psychosis, the prime minister believes granting freedom to Peter Sutcliffe could see his party draw neck and neck with the Conservatives.

A Downing Street source said: "Just lately it seems Britain is telling us it wants us to do loads of really bad things.

"It's like it's imagining all the dark, horrible places it wants to go but can't, but then it's looking at us all funny and saying 'but you could do it, couldn't you? Go on'."

The source added: "We're currently drawing up a list of nasty, oddball shit that we reckon could give us a majority of at least 85. Honestly, you don't want to know. Oh, okay…

"Number one – release the Yorkshire Ripper. Number two – have Gordon get caught masturbating over the Cenotaph at two o'clock in the morning, number three – use the Budget to give massive tax breaks to Gary Glitter and Jonathan King.

"And number four – my personal favourite – nudging David Jason in front of a bin lorry."

Meanwhile the Conservatives are considering a shift to the right to rescue their flagging campaign, including a renewed focus on all them brown people what keep coming over here and that.

A party insider said: "Yesterday I saw a discussion memo titled 'Unleashing the Inner Tebbit'. I'm a bit frightened."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
After my boyfriend and I have made love, all he does is grunt and go straight to sleep or slope off and play computer games until 3am. I, on the other hand, wish to punctuate our coitus by way of a lingering, romantic conversation whilst wrapped in each others arms until we eventually drift off to sleep with contented expressions on our faces. As you can see, my boyfriend seems to have very unrealistic views about this relationship, but I can't seem to get through to him. Can you suggest anything?

Dear Loretta,
Every week on a Thursday afternoon, my class does music education. We have to go to the school hall and explore the world via percussion and dance on blue foam mats. Apparently, this process is an important tool for helping us to develop adaptive social behaviour and advanced communication skills. I'm not sure how playing the triangle and doing star jumps can help, but it certainly makes a pretty noise. If you're having trouble getting through to your boyfriend, I am sure my teacher will let you borrow some maracas and a glockenspiel if you ask very nicely. However, be careful your boyfriend doesn't get all carried away like Oliver French did a couple of weeks ago, and over-express himself in front of everyone: he'll end up having his tambourine confiscated and being made to hold the teacher’s hand until he starts behaving like a civilised little boy again.
Hope that helps!