Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While you should beware of Greeks bearing gifts, that's no excuse for punching the man in the kebab shop when he gives you free pitta bread.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Well, if it wasn't for you running the tea club, keeping a database of people's birthdays and organising team lunches to Nando's, the office would be an infinitely nicer place to work in. Just do one, will you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Aren't you a glorious creature! You've got all the best qualities of the goat – confidence, creativity, a luxuriant beard and the incredibly pungent odour of stale urine mixed with semen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Okay, so you could get out of bed because the man in the bunny suit wants to tell you about the end of the world, or you could just stay there and let the jet engine fall on you now, and then we won't have to try and work out what the fuck is going when you get back in to bed 28 days later and it finally does. Nope. Me neither.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Good fortune is smiling on you! Even though you bought the cheapest tickets you could find, you will be bumped up to business class, next to the sweaty guy trying to set fire to his trainers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Everyone's looking up to you this week. People you thought disliked you or didn't even knew you existed suddenly cannot stop singing your praises. What, in the name of Christ, is going on?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A difficult week for you as you try to convince police that the 4,000 telephoto pictures of your neighbour that plaster your bedroom wall is actually a new designer wallpaper from Habitat.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The sun in your sign highlights serious flaws in your major zones of work, love and money for all others to see. Isn't that just incredibly helpful?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your health regime continues as you wake every morning at 6am, eat a bowl of muesli in skimmed milk and embark on a three-mile run to your nearest crack dealer. Fighting all those invisible goblins in the high street is really improving your muscle tone, too.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Today will be a fantastic day – one of those days that reminds you how great your friends are and how fun it is to be surrounded by like-minded people. Oh shit, that was last week.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The company internet filter has blocked this horoscope for the following reasons: Graphic scenes of torture and sexual violence. Please contact your IT administrator. And a priest.