Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are false data. Therefore I shall ignore you. The only thing that exists is myself. And steer clear of Scorpios.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Underlying passions force their way to the surface this week and then spread out before drying into a hard, brittle crust.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Now would be a good time to talk about past misunderstandings with previous partners. When you see them staring back at you from the witness box it'll probably be too late.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love, romance, passion, new opportunities and positive career movements are all on the horizon for the person you hate the most. Suck it.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Repressed memories bubble to the surface this week, revealing years of mundane childhood tedium. Yes, you are just like everyone else. Shockerooni.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Avoid anything that smells fishy, unless it's a fish finger. In which case avoid anything that smells breadcrumby.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every star in the constellation of Taurus seems to have exploded. That can't be good.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your gap year trip around the world has certainly opened our eyes to what an insufferable, tedious prick you really are.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A wonderful weekend lies ahead, surrounded by close friends and family who all care about you very deeply and want nothing more than for you to be happy. So why do you long to kill them?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's time to be a bit more open, honest and direct about your recent feelings of doubt over your abilities. Yes, you have been found out. At last.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You're on firm ground by Thursday, but by then all your family have been eaten by sharks, and their chewed up heads washed ashore on an otherwise idyillic tropical island. Yes, it really was 'the trip of a lifetime'.