Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The idea of working at your relationship may be unfashionable but it is the best way to give it a fighting chance. Why not get straight onto it as soon as the pubs are shut?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The sun meets with Venus on a park bench in central London with both of them carrying identical briefcases. Both are wearing dark glasses and neither acknowledges the other. And when they get up to leave it looks like each has taken the other's bag. How odd.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo. As indeed should you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Jupiter moves into the house of your mother this week and then buys you some new trainers and tries to act like you're best pals. Meanwhile all you can think about is his grubby hands fumbling his way around your mum's gusset.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Systematically abused for years by your aunt and uncle, a magical giant eventually bursts through the door and announces you’re actually the bestest wizard in all the world. Although in truth, you've actually regressed into a catatonic state and are hallucinating a game of Quidditch whilst strapped to a bed full of your own dung.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Evil corporate developers about to destroy your favourite inner city oasis of calm with another unnecessary housing development? Why not set up a Facebook group to protest about it. There's no way they'll go ahead once they realise it's opposed by a couple of thousand self-absorbed tits who can't be arsed to write an actual letter.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're right, your life is like Bridget Jones, inasmuch as it's insufferably tedious and makes me want to weep at the depth to which our wretched society has now irreversibly plumbed.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's no use me sitting here all sweetness and light, trying to claim that I have not mapped out in precise detail how I would kill you and make it look like a tragic accident, because I absolutely have.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After discovering a ouija board in the attic you pee yourself in front of your mother's fancy friends and then embark upon several weeks of thoroughly unacceptable behaviour including saying some very dirty words in a gruff, scary voice and turning your head all the way round, before indulging in what can only be described as 'crucifix-based jiggery pokery'. And then you only go and murder a couple of perfectly nice priests who were just trying to make you feel better. Oh well, never mind, back to school.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love, but a second-hand emotion? So bearing that in mind, if you could just put the fifty quid on the night-stand and get out. I've got three more to get through before lunch.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your prospects of promotion are increased immeasurably by the fact you're a weasel-eyed, lying sack of shit who's willing to laugh at the boss's racist jokes and carry a CV with not a single grain of truth in it.


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Zuma To Buy Cheryl Cole

SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.

President Zuma, who is combining his Cole shopping with a state visit, is keen to add the newly-single Girls Aloud star to his overflowing wife basket.

Meeting Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, the president said: "Where is Cheryl Cole? I want to make a baby with her."

He added: "It was a long flight. Bring her to me so that I may watch her jiggle before humbly asking if she would do me the honour of becoming my new favourite wife."

President Zuma currently has 33 wives and just over 28,000 children. He was accompanied to London by Wife 17, previously known as the TV presenter Maggie Philbin.

Zuma's spokesman stressed there would no consultation with Cole's estranged husband Ashley, adding: "South Africa is a modern, egalitarian society where women enjoy the freedom to move between husbands without written permission."

Concerns have been raised over the impending purchase of the nation's sweetheart by a foreign sex maniac, while experts have warned that it may become increasingly difficult to take South Africa seriously when the head of state gets off the plane with 'one of his wives'.

But Dr Nathan Muir, an anthropologist at Reading University, insisted: "The world is made up of different cultures. In some societies men think about having lots of wives and humping absolutely anything that moves, while in other societies they just get on with it."