Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are false data. Therefore I shall ignore you. The only thing that exists is myself. And steer clear of Scorpios.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Underlying passions force their way to the surface this week and then spread out before drying into a hard, brittle crust.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Now would be a good time to talk about past misunderstandings with previous partners. When you see them staring back at you from the witness box it'll probably be too late.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love, romance, passion, new opportunities and positive career movements are all on the horizon for the person you hate the most. Suck it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Repressed memories bubble to the surface this week, revealing years of mundane childhood tedium. Yes, you are just like everyone else. Shockerooni.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Avoid anything that smells fishy, unless it's a fish finger. In which case avoid anything that smells breadcrumby.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every star in the constellation of Taurus seems to have exploded. That can't be good.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your gap year trip around the world has certainly opened our eyes to what an insufferable, tedious prick you really are.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A wonderful weekend lies ahead, surrounded by close friends and family who all care about you very deeply and want nothing more than for you to be happy. So why do you long to kill them? 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's time to be a bit more open, honest and direct about your recent feelings of doubt over your abilities. Yes, you have been found out. At last.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You're on firm ground by Thursday, but by then all your family have been eaten by sharks, and their chewed up heads washed ashore on an otherwise idyillic tropical island. Yes, it really was 'the trip of a lifetime'.

Labour To Back PR For Insultingly Obvious Reasons

LABOUR is to back proportional representation in what they claim will be a major step towards rebuilding their chances of getting back into power before everyone's dead.

In a non-existent break with the party's traditional support for the system of doing anything to win power, senior figures said Britain's democracy needed comprehensive reform if future generations were to have their lives ruined by at least two different kinds of crooks and liars.

A Labour source said: "Proportional representation will help to rebuild voters' confidence in parliament because a recent study showed that MPs elected by PR don't make up rules that allow them to steal money."

He added: "What study? Fuck you, that's what study."

Meanwhile Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to limit the powers of Number 10 and devolve more responsibility to local communities in his latest transparent attempt to divert attention from all the thieving.

Experts last night stressed that PR had been a huge success in Scotland, where two party leaders were forced to resign over expenses claims and members of the Edinburgh parliament continue to make healthy profits from houses they buy with your money.

Meanwhile public reaction to the proposed reforms was mixed, with some voters defecating into a paper bag and posting it to their MP, while others simply fainted with anger.

Bill McKay, a sales manager from Hitchin, said: "Proportional representation you say? To be honest, I don't actually know what that is. At the moment I'm much more focused on them stealing my money all the time."

Julian Cook, an engineer from Doncaster, said: "By all means dick about with the devolution of power to your heart's content, but if you could try your best not to steal from me while you're doing it, that would be excellent."

And Sister Margaret Gerving, a retired Mother Superior from Peterborough, added: "I could not give a flying monkey's fuck about any of this. Can you please – in the name of Christ – just stop stealing my fucking money?"