Colleges offer Level 5 NVQ in changing a duvet cover

COLLEGES keen to equip students with key life skills are introducing a National Vocational Qualification in putting a cover on a duvet.

The two-year course will combine theory and practice, comparing the major schools of thought in duvet-changing, from British single to European super-king.

Modules include ‘turning it inside out’, ‘just shove the bastard in there’ and ‘plumping the fuck out of it’.

Lecturer Norman Steele said: “More than 80 percent of Britain’s 18 to 40 year-olds have become trapped in duvet covers and end up sobbing quietly like a sad, chunky ghost.

“One of our 19-year-old students lost his mum, when she got stuck inside a tricky corner and had a nervous breakdown.

“He never forgave himself, because it was his SpongeBob set.”

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Mum blows entire life savings at school fete

A MOTHER-of-two has spent every single penny she had in a single afternoon at the school’s summer fete. 

Emma Bradford, who only went because the school kept sending guilt-inducing emails, passed four hours in a giddy whirl of tombolas, coconut shys, and home-made cake stalls.

She said: “I had £2,500 in my savings account, plus a further £22,000 in various ISAs. Now I’ve got a coconut and a dusty bottle of Blossom Hill. What happened?

“I began with just a cautious couple of dips in the bran tub, then a handful of raffle tickets, then I was obliged to shell out for a bunch of crap made with paper plates and pipe-cleaners and after that, well, I threw caution to the wind.

“The next few hours were a blizzard of bottle stalls, hot dogs, donkey rides and bouncy castles. I remember trying to catch myself with a £5 glass of warm prosecco, but then the PE teacher who was mean to our Julia went into the stocks and it was on.

“I woke up in the car with my face painted like Pikachu. Apparently I spent more than two grand on the Hook-A-Ducks alone, before I was banned for being abusive.

“Still, at least it’ll help the school. Oh. I’ve just found a letter saying my kids will be taught in a Portakabin next year.”