Consumers Demand Much Less Information About Food

FOOD shoppers could really do without the pictures of chubby farmers and the word ‘classic’, according to a new survey.

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Research by the Institute for Studies found that 94% of shoppers would prefer it if the writing on the packets described the contents rather than consisting of a multi-coloured pie chart and an invitation to call the manufacturer’s customer feedback line ‘just for a chat’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Given that most food is purchased in the cavernous strip-lit hell of a supermarket, most consumers want to get their goods and flee as quickly as possible before they are swamped by the overwhelming desire to commit suicide.

“They do not give a badger’s tuppence about the detailed nutritional information, or whether their selections are endorsed by Soil Association, Flat Earth Society or the Bavarian Illuminati.

“Similarly they are unimpressed by pictures of craggy-faced farmers in cable-knit jumpers with the accompanying revelation that ‘Paddy knows each one of his cows by name and reads them poetry by moonlight’.”

He added: “Many also wonder why the cheapest, least remarkable tomatoes cannot be labelled as ‘Tomatoes’ instead of ‘Classic Tomatoes’, ‘Just Tomatoes’ or ‘Simply Tomatoes’.

“It would make a bit more fucking sense really, wouldn’t it?”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “Apparently my muesli was ‘hand-crafted with 100% pure love’.

“Sometimes I’m not even sure if I love my children, so I would say that this level of devotion to some dry, inert flakes and a pinch of small, disappointing raisins is somewhat unusual.

“I still bought it though, didn’t I? I am so fucked up.”