Consumers Demand Much Less Information About Food

FOOD shoppers could really do without the pictures of chubby farmers and the word ‘classic’, according to a new survey.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 94% of shoppers would prefer it if the writing on the packets described the contents rather than consisting of a multi-coloured pie chart and an invitation to call the manufacturer’s customer feedback line ‘just for a chat’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Given that most food is purchased in the cavernous strip-lit hell of a supermarket, most consumers want to get their goods and flee as quickly as possible before they are swamped by the overwhelming desire to commit suicide.

“They do not give a badger’s tuppence about the detailed nutritional information, or whether their selections are endorsed by Soil Association, Flat Earth Society or the Bavarian Illuminati.

“Similarly they are unimpressed by pictures of craggy-faced farmers in cable-knit jumpers with the accompanying revelation that ‘Paddy knows each one of his cows by name and reads them poetry by moonlight’.”

He added: “Many also wonder why the cheapest, least remarkable tomatoes cannot be labelled as ‘Tomatoes’ instead of ‘Classic Tomatoes’, ‘Just Tomatoes’ or ‘Simply Tomatoes’.

“It would make a bit more fucking sense really, wouldn’t it?”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “Apparently my muesli was ‘hand-crafted with 100% pure love’.

“Sometimes I’m not even sure if I love my children, so I would say that this level of devotion to some dry, inert flakes and a pinch of small, disappointing raisins is somewhat unusual.

“I still bought it though, didn’t I? I am so fucked up.”

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Banksy Simpson Credits Force The Man To Surrender

THE Man surrendered last night after glimpsing Banksy’s opening credits sequence for The Simpsons.

Across London fatcat businessmen with their bowler hats and their umbrellas admitted the game was up as financial experts predicted the fall of everything that mattered by Christmas.

Tom Logan, head of futures trading for Worldcorp, said: “I’m now going to open up a fair trade pamphlet-printing co-operative and I’d like to personally thank Banksy for blowing my mind.”

Sir Martin Bishop, professor of cartoon socio-economics at Reading University, explained that the artist had somehow used paint to reveal that big businesses are really very nasty or something.

He added: “Banksy has rounded up all the things I thought I knew and machined gunned them into a pit in a hail of red hot truth bullets.

“I’m going to set fire to all my big books and replace them with that poster of a copper smoking a joint.

“My parents are going to be furious, but I don’t care.”

Banksy originals have long been popular with the world’s key political thinkers, including Brad Pitt and Christina Aguilera, but the Simpson’s commission is the first time he has been able to fire his truth-guided wisdom rockets through the medium of television.

The enigmatic artist, who keeps his identity secret as a bold condemnation of celebrity and the cultural hegemony of forenames, said: “Doing loads of drawings over and over again that were essentially the same thing was not, to be honest, much of a stretch for me. I kept getting Bart’s hair wrong but they’ve got loads of Korean people to correct stuff like that.

“Here, tell you what, how about I spray paint this Greggs sandwich wrapper with a picture of a judge wanking into a Rasta’s hat?”