Women still being paid less than men who objectify them

THE pay gap between men and tasty birds who have a smashing set of knockers shows no signs of closing.

A study found that men were still paid more on average than women even though a record number of women are wearing those tight woollen tops that show a healthy amount of cleavage.

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said: “It is awful that in the 21st Century women who bend over a lot or who put their leg up on their desk to straighten their stockings are still forced to work for less.

“Especially the ones that bend over. They’re the best ones.”

Bill McKay, chief executive of recruitment agency Humans4Sale, said: “It is puzzling that in an age where those micro-hotpants that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination are commonplace, that the bottom that goes inside them is somehow worth less to an employer than my bottom.”

He added: “I can only imagine that women are worth less in the workplace because, you know, they’re all insane, aren’t they?”

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Tevez Demands 30 Minute Matches

CARLOS Tevez has asked the Premier League to consider overhauling the entire football rulebook as his legs are a bit tired.

The Argentinian Halloween costume has hinted he may quit football as the eight-hour week begins to take its toll. Family and friends have expressed their concern after the striker seemed bored and listless during a recent helicopter shopping expedition.

Tevez said: “Every few days I run, I kick things and I pull a shirt over my massive head. It’s a nightmare.

“I’d rather be stealing discarded fruit rinds from the gutters of Buenos Aires. There was a naturally laid-back pace to grinding poverty that you just don’t get by being a multimillionaire ball-nudger.”

Under new guidelines dictated to Tevez’s manager by the player as he sprawled idly on a reproduction Louis XIV cinema chair while gnawing on a bison, games would be divided into six easily-managed chunks of five minutes, with a long enough break between sections for a quick spa, a massage and some bison.

The pitch would also be shortened to 20 yards to ease the burden on goal celebrations, meaning Tevez would never have more than a brief golf buggy ride to thank fans for paying his £12,000 an hour wages.

The move has been backed by Manchester City fans desperate to retain the services of the economy-size hobgoblin, regardless of the terms of his contract.

City supporter Roy Hobbs said: “I first heard the news when I came home from my 12-hour shift at the pie-gristle factory and I could just weep for the poor little fella.

“I’d have signed the petition myself if my exhaustion-induced hallucinations didn’t keep turning the laptop into an enormous cyborg cheeseburger that wants to eat my testicles.”