Pay Civil Servants 50p An Hour, Says Topshop Boss

THE UK government could be made cheaper and more efficient if civil servants were paid 50 pence an hour, the boss of Topshop has claimed.

In a report into government waste, Sir Philip Green insisted Whitehall could easily turn a massive profit if ministers had the courage to run it like an international clothing business.

He said: “You’ve got civil servants here on eighty or ninety grand a year while the taxpayer is handing over between 30% and 40% of their income. Margin-wise that’s as tight as a gnat’s chuff.

“Either you have to put the price up or cut your manufacturing costs. That’s why I’m recommending that the entire civil service be handed over to this little chap I know in Mauritius.

“He has access to thousands of high-quality, fine-fingered Bangladeshis who could knock you out a department of health for an average of 48p an hour.

“And you don’t need multi-million pound press offices and advertising budgets. Every time the little Bangladeshis come up with a new policy initiative we just sellotape a copy of it to one of Kate Moss’s nipples and get a double page spread in the Daily Mail.”

He added: “They can also do human resources, accounting and policy implementation, working 12 hour shifts with the option of unlimited overtime. Within two years you’re looking at an annual profit of five maybe six hundred million quid.

“If the secretary of state can persuade his wife to live in Monaco for nine months of the year he can pay her the full whack as a tax free dividend.

“And then he can have a boat.”

A Downing Street spokesman said the prime minister would consider Sir Philip’s recommendations, adding: “We are definitely going to do this.”



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Feckless Tory Orders Nuclear Bombs He Can't Afford

A WORKSHY Tory defence secretary wants to order a new fleet of nuclear submarines and then get taxpayers to foot the bill, it emerged last night.

Liam Fox claims he is entitled to have as many atomic bombs as he wants but admits he is unable to pay for them himself because he has a bad back and mental problems.

He said: “I slipped on something gooey about five years ago and now I can’t lift my arms Mondays to Fridays. They get better at weekends. It’s a mystery. And I’ve also got a note from my doctor saying I’m totally psychological.”

Fox added: “And anyway, why should I go out to work and earn the money to buy a Trident replacement when I can just sit around my office all day pointing at maps and watching The Eagle Has Landed?

“I may look like a big moron, but I’m not one though.”

The government has been urged to crackdown on Fox who already has three separate armed forces with lots of ships, aeroplanes and tanks, despite the fact that most British school children think Buzz Lightyear invented the Moon and a typical NHS hip operation involves giving an old lady a swift kick to the pelvis.  

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “In principle couples should only be having nuclear weapons if they can afford them – unless of course they both earn just under 44 grand a year, at which point the government should obviously pitch in.

“But unfortunately there are lots of lazy men in this country with very, very, very small penises who think they can have a nuclear missile without having to make sacrifices.

“That said, I have spoken to Mr Fox at length and I do think he’s a special case.”

He added: “Fuck you, that’s why.”