Couple convinced they are living downstairs from a pissed shire horse

A COUPLE believe they must be living below a massive, unemployed shire horse that is permanently drunk.

Since moving into their two-bedroom flat less than a month ago, Nikki Hollis and Tom Roberts have noticed a chaotic and incredibly loud thumping noise coming through the ceiling.

Hollis said: “I honestly do not understand how humans could make this kind of noise. It’s a giant, pissed horse that’s stumbling about at all hours.

“I would go up and complain but I’m allergic to horse hair.”

Meanwhile, Roberts has decided that the downstairs flat is haunted. He added: “No living human would  play Counting Crows full blast at 3am on a Thursday.

“And what kind of human would watch that much Friends on Netflix without skipping the intro? It doesn’t make sense. So I think we have a very ’90s ghost on our hands.”

Meanwhile, the woman who lives next door to Hollis and Roberts is wondering why her new neighbours make such unusual sex noises.

Jane Harris said: “They are either doing it incredibly right or incredibly wrong.”

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Cat to lose its shit for 30 seconds then act like nothing happened


A CAT has unveiled plans to totally lose its shit for about 30 seconds before calming down immediately.

Cat Nikki Hollis said she planned to just sit there, as normal as anything, before running at high speed at nothing in particular and then trying to climb up the door and attempt to bite an invisible enemy behind it.

Hollis said: “Contrary to what a lot of people think, being a cat can be incredibly tedious. So every now and again I like to go totally ape shit for no reason.

“If I could use a smartphone I probably wouldn’t do it as often, but science hasn’t quite caught up yet.

“It also applies to my tail  Even though I often clean it, I can also convince myself that it’s a snake. I only snap out of it when I bite my tail and it hurts.

“Imagine being so bored that you go into a sort of masochistic trance. I really need a phone.”