Woman takes punt on answering ‘yes’ to question she didn't hear

A WOMAN has taken a punt on saying ‘yes’ to a question that she completely missed.

Jane Thomson recently attended a house party and ended up talking to one of her friend’s tedious colleagues. After a conversational wrong turn, Thomson found herself embroiled in a chat about politics that was ‘crushingly dull’.

She said: “He was talking at length about gerrymandering in US voting districts and I found myself unable to focus. Then suddenly it popped into my head ‘Am I speaking to Ballbag Kevin?’”

‘Ballbag Kevin’ is a secret nickname for one of Thomson’s friend’s workmates, who it has been rumoured was once caught texting a picture of his scrotum to a young intern.

Thomson added: “And that one thought just triggered a cascade of questions in my brain. What did Kevin get out of sending the picture? How did he get caught? Is the person I’m talking to even called Kevin?

“My head was abuzz with this chatter and then Kevin, or whoever he was, said ‘What do you think?’.

“So I just said, ‘yes’.

“He gave me a strange look and then saw someone he knew, or pretended to, and said he had to go. I still I have no idea what happened. Had I just said ‘yes, I like mixed martial arts’, ‘yes, I think incest should be legalised’ or ‘yes, I think Nigel Farage seems like fun’.

“The upside is I don’t think I’ll be getting sent a picture of a ballbag anytime soon”.

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Mum measures success of playdates by how pissed she gets

A MOTHER judges her children’s playdates to have gone well if she has consumed at least two large glasses of wine.

Emma Bradford, 37, confessed to not being overly bothered if her children develop their social and emotional skillsets with peers as long as she gets to sink half a bottle of Malbec.

She said: “The best way for kids to learn is to shut them in a room together and stick my head in every half-hour to shout something stern about ‘sharing’.

“And the best way for me to get on with another mum is to really have a good chat about schools and all that shit while sharing a bottle of wine. Or two, if we’re getting on really well.

“Bonus points if the other parent is willing to let them bingewatch My Little Pony while we go out the back for a quick fag.

“It’s not important whether they ‘get on’ with their playmates. They need to learn at some point that interacting with other humans without alcohol is frustrating and unpleasant, so why not start now?”

Bradford’s seven-year-old daughter Amelia, said: “I like going on playdates because afterwards mummy lets us have Haribo for tea.”