Couple exploring exotic new way to get shitfaced

A COUPLE have decided to add some variety to their relationship by getting drunk in front of the television on cocktails.

Joseph and Tessa Turner, from Weybridge, have agreed that their marriage has got stuck in a rut of beer and wine respectively and are hoping to revitalise it with spirits, fruit juices and a shaker.

Tessa said: “Joe suggested going to a cocktail bar, but I reminded him about the loud the music and the fact that it’s often Pitbull.

“This is a long-term commitment. We’ve spent nearly £100 on gin, vodka, whisky and all the things that you have to have that nobody wants, like Angostura bitters and Drambuie.”

The couple will begin with lighter liqueur-based cocktails during Strictly, moving onto rum-based drinks for Casualty and then vodka martinis during a repeat of Lewis on ITV3.

Tessa added: “I did suggest we watch the Rugby World Cup instead of Match of the Day, but Joe said that might be too much change.

“It’s ages since I’ve been properly blacked out in front of Top of the Pops 1980. I think it’ll really do us good.”

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Anti-insanity vaccinations easiest way to stop mass shootings, claims gun lobby

VACCINATING everyone against mental illness is the easiest and most practical way to prevent mass shootings, according to America’s gun lobby.

The National Rifle Association has called for a nationwide inoculation programme to ‘eradicate violent psychosis from American life’.

An NRA spokesman said: “Most supermarkets sell a cheap, over-the-counter anti-madness serum that you and your family could inject yourselves with at home.

“But liberals won’t let you because they are all in the pocket of Big Insanity.

“Meanwhile, they keep blocking Congressional Republicans from passing a perfectly straightforward insanity abolition law.”

He added: “Just think, once everyone has been vaccinated then we could all have our own personal Howitzers, safe in the knowledge that we are all completely sane.”