Couple to lie about not having met on internet

A COUPLE have vowed to lie about how they met after getting together at a social gathering.

Tom Booker met his new girlfriend Emma Bradford at a mutual friend’s party, without the aid of technology.

He said: “I can see why people think it’s weird. But we just kind of got on with each other.

“We’ll just say we met on an exclusive dating site for left-hand people.”

Booker added: “I didn’t see what her top 5 films were or what qualities she thought she had or that she looked for in other people.

“It’s unorthodox but I’m looking forward to finding that out as we go along.

Booker’s friend, Stephen Malley said: “I don’t like to judge but he hasn’t even googled her. I bet she’s done a murder in America or something.

“And you don’t know what else she’s hiding, probably her favourite book is The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”

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Yesterday most depressing day of year, say scientists disgusted at what they've become

MONDAY January 19th was officially the most depressing day of the year, according to scientists degrading themselves by concocting media bullshit.

Copper Sulphate Monday is when boffins open newspapers and see the unrecognisable caricature of science that, God help them, they have helped to create.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: “I work on high-throughput mutation detection for the Cancer Genome Project, or used to.

“There isn’t the funding for that, but there’s plenty of money to come up with equations demonstrating how to seat the perfect dinner party, the mathematics behind single socks going missing from the dryer and graphs explaining why Homeland should have finished after one season.

“They’ve promised I can do some proper research in February, after I’ve finished this equation which proves how to flip the perfect pancake.”

The scientists have come up with the equation SE=I-O², where SE is self-esteem, I is a negative number representing integrity and O represents the scientists’ overdraft, to explain why they can no longer look at themselves in the mirror.