Couple with baby really overdoing talk of how great it is

A COUPLE with a new baby are trying too hard to convince their friends and themselves of how awesome it is.

Mary Fisher and Tom Logan have been evangelical in their descriptions of parenthood since having their son Richard, despite seeming physically and mentally depleted.

Fisher said: “It really gives your life meaning. It’s a special and unique kind of love, that changes you from a selfish person to a giving person.

“We are in heaven.

“I even love being puked on, and cleaning up puke, and having to be constantly responsible for someone with no knowledge or understanding of danger, and whose only means of communication is making a loud noise.

“And the insomnia-induced delirium, I love that. It’s amazing.”

Logan said: “Before having our baby were just doing superficial stuff like going out with friends, pursuing hobbies and sleeping for more than two hours a night.

“The thing I don’t miss the most from our old life is the sex.”

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‘Mild torture’ aids worker productivity

GETTING workers to stand up until their legs hurt can help them to know their place, according to bosses.

The removal of chairs from the workplace is ostensibly a health measure, but is actually a means of ‘mentally breaking’ staff.

Managing direction Tom Booker said: “We like to claim there are health risks of sitting down all day, but of course this is bollocks.

“It’s about reinforcing the master-slave dynamic and helping to completely negate their identity, thus making them totally subservient.”

Booker’s firm also recently introduced dangling employees from windows by their ankles, supposedly to aid circulation.

Data analyst Emma Bradford said: “I know that standing all day is really good for me, but perhaps I should be allowed to leave my designated spot to go to the toilet.

“And having water forcibly poured in my mouth when I’m not even thirsty feels a bit cruel. Still, what do I know? I’m nothing.”

Booker said: “I wouldn’t whip them or anything. I’m not a monster and besides relatives ask questions if you break the skin.”