Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not cheer yourself up this weekend by buying jeans 24 sizes too big, standing sideways and taking photos of you looking happy?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll write a sequel to your hit book by using Ctrl+f to find and replace the words ‘my’ with ‘her’ and ‘his’ with ‘my’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger’s face and rather than laugh, she’ll go fucking spare.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A big day for your recycling company today as you get a call from a Swiss football organisation with three tons of shredded paper they need shifting.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not rekindle some of the romance in your relationship by not responding to every question with What the fuck are you asking now?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The problem with tall summer drinks like Pimms or mojitos is trying to smuggle enough of them into work to get you through the day.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your quest for a new type of fusion cuisine sees you having stir-fry roast dinner on Sunday.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your aura shifts from a vibrant aquamarine to a tepid brown today, marking the point your underwear really needs changing.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After considering padding out your CV by taking evening classes or doing voluntary work, this week you decide to increase the font size a couple of points instead.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The traditional gift for a sixth wedding anniversary is iron but when you buy one for her apparently it’s a month of sleeping on the sofa.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While spontaneous combustion may be an actual thing, it’s unlikely the police are going to buy it for the sixth time in a month.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Was * this * your card?