Hot baths solve nothing

A LONG, relaxing hot bath will do nothing whatsoever about any of your problems, Britain has been told.

Researchers have found that whether you are struggling with stress at work, debt or a failing marriage, it will still be there after lying in some water.

Psychiatrist Dr Helen Archer said: “In the old days, a hot bath could at least get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. Nowadays all it does it confirm what a great idea showers are.

“They don’t even solve the problem of poor hygiene, because after two hours steeping in your own boiled filth it hardens on like resin and has to be cracked off with a toffee hammer.”

Researchers have also advised that there is no point in adding bubble bath, bath bombs or any other brightly coloured chemicals unless you want to re-enact the origin of the Joker.

Susan Traherne of Northampton said: “Whenever I have worries, I go for a lovely hot bath.

“I soak for an hour with a Martina Cole, and when I’ve finished all my troubles just spiral away down the drain.

“And when I say worries and troubles, I mean pubic hair.”

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I am your father, Blatter tells football

SEPP Blatter revealed that he was football’s father moments before sacrificing himself to destroy the FIFA death star.

The Pan-Galactic FIFA president sustained laser wounds as he fought armoured troops to reach the self-destruct button of the organisation’s space HQ, gurgling out his final confession seconds before it was engulfed in a massive nuclear explosion.

While football fans across the universe initially greeted the tyrant’s demise with joy, they were left with mixed feelings on discovering that Blatter’s beloved princess bride had died soon after giving birth to a football.

FIFA presidential rival Prince Ali bin Hussein said: “Beneath the utterly terrifying exterior and generally evil behaviour he was just human and loved football more than anyone.

“It explains why there were all those pictures of Blatter with footballs, and why he never had the heart to totally destroy it.”

But as cleaners attempted to remove the old man smell from Blatter’s Earth palace, they stumbled across a handwritten rule book for a new sport named blatterball, suggesting that the universe may not have seen the last of Blatter.