'Couples' railcard traps thousands in hateful relationships

PEOPLE in damaging relationships will stay together to get a third off rail travel, it has been claimed.

The Two Together rail card means people travelling in pairs get a discount, even if they cannot stand the  sight of each other.

43-year-old Norman Steele said: “My wife’s a right bitch but also the only person I travel with.

“I was planning to divorce her but with train fares going through the roof it looks like I’ll be glaring hatefully at the side of her face as she scoffs her Boots Meal Deal for some time to come.

“Really I need to start having an affair so that when the time comes I can swap their details over on the card.”

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Boris unveils latest obvious solution

BORIS Johnson has unveiled his newest idea that could not possibly go wrong.

The London mayor has called for Muslim children in danger of radicalisation to be taken away from their parents, because that will make them fall in love with Britain.

Johnson insisted that children who are taken into care always turn into ‘really spiffing people’ without the slightest hint of resentment or anger.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph, he stressed that the people who have their children taken away ‘won’t really mind’ and that a ‘few weeks of not having noisy brats around the house will soon make them realise why British social services are the best in the world’.

He added: “Radical Muslims are just not very jolly. But I’ve always believed that the best way to cheer someone up is to kick their door down and hustle their kids into the back of a van.”