Simon Cowell's tips for new mothers

PEOPLE talk about the pressure new mums are under. But the fact is: if you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t be here.

Breast vs Bottle Feeding

Okay, there’s no right or wrong way to feed your baby. But I’m not gonna sit here and tell you you’re doing it right, when clearly you’re doing it wrong. Only very few people really get this. Look, I breastfed all my children, from Harry ‘Biter’ Styles to Matt ‘Blocked Duct’ Cardle. I know the stress of the dreaded 8am start and the agony of angry, engorged mammaries. But there comes a time when I don’t want to feel like a couple of milk bags for some mewling pest. My body is beautiful – and sexual. It’s time I reclaimed it for me.

Reconstructive Vaginoplasty

Okay, I’m gonna give you some advice here. Childbirth is stressful so it’s only natural to suffer some loss of tone. But deal with it. When I go to executive lunches at Fox network, I need to know I can sneeze with supreme confidence and at maximum volume. But you don’t need a surgeon to give you that edge: you just have to get that pelvic floor back up out of your gusset and tight around your ribcage where it belongs. A good exercise is to abruptly stop urinating mid-stream. Remember to ensure a colleague is nearby because if no one sees you doing it, they just assume you can’t. If you’re at the staff urinal and suspect they aren’t paying enough attention, stop mid-flow, stare at them until you’re satisfied they are, and then release the remainder of your stream.


Phonics is a sham – a complete waste of everyone’s time. At the end of the day the only things that matter are the way you sound and what you look like. This is why I’d be doing my offspring an unkindness if I said he didn’t make noises like a seagull going through a Dyson. To me, it seems he’s just opening his mouth and blasting the first thing that comes into his head. Where’s the originality? He is quite literally murdering the English language. But… I have to say in a weird way, I quite like him. He reminds me of Adele.

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Northerners patronise even further Northerners

MANCHESTER City fans have told Sunderland they put on a jolly good show yesterday, for peasants.

After the game City supporters posed for photos with scruffy Sunderland fans before giving them handfuls of chips and a pat on the head.

Mancunian Wayne Hayes said: “They came in their thousands on their horses and bicycles – I even saw one aboard a bus, if you can picture such a sight – and for a while they gave our boys quite the runaround.

“But eventually playtime was over and a couple of our hirelings finished them off before they got ideas above their station.

“They made a frightful racket as we beat them mercilessly but as the league table shows, it’s the only language they understand.”

Sunderland fans were assured that if they worked hard and were selected by some oligarch as a hobby, they too could have the same pedigree City have enjoyed for a quarter of a generation.

As a token of their goodwill, City will send another underperforming winger to Sunderland along with a flat pack of bitter and some pigeons as a reminder of their day out.

Meanwhile, Chelsea fans are preparing to patronise Manchester City fans at the end of the season for still being quite Northern and not having the hang of buying success.

Supporter Roy Hobbs said: “One doesn’t wish to appear snobbish but nouveau-riche clubs like City simply don’t have the class of very-recently-riche clubs like Chelsea.”