Call of Duty coming true

CALL of Duty: Modern Warfare, which involves Russian ultranationalists sparking a civil war, is happening on the world stage.

Game developer Joseph Turner said: “None of the team knew much about world events, so we based the story on the deranged ranting of a long-haired old man who hung around near the office.

“It turns out that his wild-eyed imaginings were 100% accurate, he was probably from the future.”

In response to recent events, the government has drafted in a select group of Call of Duty high-scorers as special advisers.

15-year-old console addict Tom Logan said: “William Hague came round my house with a Domino’s Meat Feast, he looks like an old baby.”

A UN spokesman said: “We must resolve the Ukraine crisis before the invasion of the Eastern seaboard of the United States, which happens in another Call of Duty so it’s definitely just a matter of time.”

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Moleskine notebooks best for unfinished ideas

MOLESKINE notebooks are perfect for creative projects that will never be completed, according to aspiring writers.

The UK’s wordsmiths confirmed that the elegant pocket books are best for writing novels, screenplays and rock operas that peter out after a few pages.

Marketing assistant Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve always dreamed of being a less frosty JK Rowling but I couldn’t find paper exquisite enough to receive my genius.

“Now I’ve bought a Moleskine, I know I’ll fill a little bit of it with scribbled plans for my book about a virgin girl wizard who signs a bondage contract.”

A Moleskine spokesman said: “Whether you’re planning a novel, a memoir or a trilogy of hefty fantasy novels, Moleskine notebooks are perfect for jotting down those first precious sentences then realising it’s not going to work.

“Our new products actually have blank film credits printed on page nine, for when you get bored and start speculatively casting the big-budget movie.”

Fledgling screenwriter Stephen Malley said: “Moleskines are for amateurs. I’m not some credulous hopeful who believes that buying the right notebook will miraculously unlock their creative ability.

“Because I’m in this for real I’ve bought the latest version of screenwriting software Final Draft. Which will save me having to write any of the earlier drafts.”