Cracker-eating woman asked to leave bed

A MAN has asked a woman to leave his bed after she started eating crackers in it.

Martin Bishop was lying in bed with Emma Bradford, when Bradford said she was hungry and went to the kitchen looking for something to eat.

Bishop said: “Next thing you know, she’s eating crackers in the bed. Crumbs everywhere. At that point I asked her to eat the crackers in the living room or, better still, at the kitchen table.

“The thing is, not long after I met Emma I showed her picture to my friend Steven and he actually said to me that he ‘wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers’.

“I didn’t really appreciate what he meant at the time, but now it all makes sense.”

He added: “Not only was Emma incredibly rude to eat such crumbly food in my bed without asking me first, but Steven really needs to think about what constitutes acceptable behaviour.

“If he thinks that a woman can be attractive enough to get some kind cracker-eating exemption then not only is he objectifying women disgracefully, he is also failing to understand the health benefits of uninterrupted sleep.”

Bradford added: “The crackers were much better than the sex.”

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Men to finally be told what a 'pumpkin spice latte' is

IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a ‘pumpkin spice latte’ actually is.

The phrase, often used by willowy females with chestnut hair and a suspicious level of self-confidence, has led men to assume it was a shibboleth designed to exclude them from ancient secrets.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “It’s just three random words strung together. Or is it one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s children?

“She has a daughter called Lithium Donkey Apple. And she got that from trying to teach a kestrel how to use a Macbook.”

Logan added: “Anyway, whatever the hell it is, the woman I try to live with insists on doing it when she’s out with her mates on a Saturday afternoon.

“I still reckon it’s code for urinating.”