Crazed struggle for one-upmanship also known as 'lifestyle'

BRITONS’ manic obsession with having more material goods than their peers is actually just ‘lifestyle’, according to experts.

Researchers into middle-class existence said that the search for meaning through fancy cars and gas barbecues was not an acute mental illness, but something nice and elegant.

Sociologist Stephen Malley said: “If you’ve stayed awake for three solid days worrying about why next door’s new garden furniture makes you want to jump off the roof, don’t worry.

“You haven’t lost it, you’ve just gotten into lifestyle, which is totally healthy and correct.”

Malley said it was so much easier to accept lifestyle and join in than struggle against it and risk dying alone in a cave.

“Just open the Sunday supplement for any newspaper, skip over the long articles about Palestine that nobody reads, and mentally immerse yourself in the nice shoes, cheeses and gardens with gypsy caravans in.

“Don’t question it. Just let it in.”

41-year-old Mary Fisher said: “When my husband became unable to work due to serious illness, I was terrified that we wouldn’t be able to afford the Ocado van like the rest of the street.

“Afterwards I felt guilty about this and began to wonder if my soul had been poisoned.

“But nobody’s ever proved that the soul exists, whereas my new sofa is both real and delightful.”

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Cold drinks in mugs not enjoyable

A MUG is not an appropriate vessel for cold drinks like squash or water, it has been confirmed.

Drinks expert Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve tried having Ribena in a mug, and I really didn’t enjoy it.

“Maybe ceramics taint cold liquids. Or the brain just keeps asking ‘why is this tea at such a low temperature’?

“I had some Tango out of a cup once, that was weird too.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “I had some fizzy water in my Transformers mug. It was weird, you could see the mug interior through the translucent liquid.

“I wasn’t into it.”