The Mash guide to the cabinet reshuffle

IT’S the reshuffle everyone’s talking about, if you ignore the overwhelming majority of conversations.

Here is our guide to who’s gone where:

The announcement that Jeremy Hunt is moving to Health has been cancelled after it turns out he’s already there.

Boring old male defence secretary Philip Hammond has been replaced by dynamic new face Philippa Hammond.

Michael Gove is to have both hands amputated and replaced by whips.

Iain Duncan Smith has torn up his completed Jobseeker’s Allowance application form.

New female ministers have been told they’ll never be Thatcher, but just do their best.

Stephen Crabb and David Jones will swap jobs: Crabb becomes Welsh secretary and Jones takes his place in the chorus of long-running West End musical Wicked.

Environment secretary Owen Paterson was down to be sacked until whips realised they hadn’t seen him since a January visit to the Somerset Levels. Backbenchers have formed a search committee.

A politician who has spent years claiming to be an expert on education has deftly switched to knowing everything about farms.

The new minister without portfolio has been instructed to just buy one from Rymans.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Liven up work by proposing, as an alternative to a think tank, a contemplation submarine.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Oh, hello, here’s that Jason Statham chap wearing a suit and looking cross while an entire building explodes behind him. I wonder if this film is an EM Forster adaptation?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The fact you didn’t know she’d got married makes a work conversation about Cheryl Cole’s ring somewhat disconcerting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After having twelve months to think up a new Dr Who storyline, this week you scrawl “Fuck it, Daleks again” on a Post-It note and go back to sleep.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re looking to buy a house with good transport links, you may want to try ‘Not In Service’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Bye, bye to my license to drive. Had a bevy, drove my Chevy and got charged with drink-drive.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s really hard to find a builder at short notice. Especially one prepared to pave a suspiciously lumpy garden.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Call it a staff reshuffle all you want but you’re still sat in the car park with a cardboard box full of your stuff.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Shopping at Aldi doesn’t have the stigma it used to, but maybe look elsewhere for a wedding dress.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Chessington clearly have a different definition of the word ‘adventure’, if their attitude toward sex on a log flume is anything to go by.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After watching BBC News 24 for three days straight you concede they’re not going to report on that weird pork scratching you sent them.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You like your women like you like your women. Female.