Vets taking the absolute piss

VETS are charging up to £70 to stick a needle in a cat, it has emerged.

Researchers found that despite not even being qualified to look after people, veterinary surgeons are charging large sums to perform animal operations that are revolting but probably not very hard.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Britons love their pets more than any human family members, so animal doctors charge a fucking fortune to keep them alive.

“They have absolutely no qualms about selling you special cat food, vitamin-enhanced goldfish water and expensive insurance that covers your dog for space travel.

“Then after making a big song and dance about your pet’s health, they’re quite happy to kill it for you when it gets a bit knackered.”

Vet Tom Booker said: “You have to study for five years, although a lot of that is playing rugby and having sex with agricultural students.

“You wouldn’t believe the creatures some people want me to heal. Someone brought in a rat the other day. A rat!

“Still, we got a couple of hundred quid for selling them some rat ointment.”

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Garden furniture asks if it can come in

YOUR garden table and chairs have asked if they can come inside with the other furniture for a bit.

The outdoor furniture set, which is kept in the garage when not in the garden, says it just wants to see what it’s like in the house.

The table continued: “There’s other kinds of furniture that never seem to leave the house, and we thought we could have a lot to talk about.

“Like what it’s like inside, and what it’s like outside in the lovely fresh open air, and perhaps if they fancied having a little swap.

“We probably won’t tell them about the garage.”

The garden chairs, a table and a parasol entered the house and proceeded to have a good look round, upstairs and down, before settling down in your lounge where they appeared to be talking to your sofa about your drinking and your big fat heavy arse.

Despite hints, they appeared to be in no hurry to leave.