PUSH bike devotees are scheming to subjugate the Western world to their deity Shimano, it emerged last night.
Cycling has become increasingly prevalent in recent months, despite being shit, triggering speculation those devoted to the hobby must have a more sinister agenda other than very uncomfortable transport.
Tom Logan, Grand Cantilever of the Guardians of Shimano, said: “We have now achieved Objective One of The Pedal Plan – to own the roads through being mildly obstructive.
“With the cars gone, we can zip around everywhere at speeds of over 30mph, garotting non-believers with brake wire.
“Once all dissenters are dead, we will begin to customise our body parts, replacing limbs with wheels, to become more like the mighty Shimano.
“In the new land of Pedallon all will be new and clean and emission-free. Clothes will be made of scrotum-hugging futuristic fabric and the only legal music will be Kraftwerk.”
He added: “If anyone tries to stand in our way, we will knock into them and then pretend it’s their fault.”
Conspirologoist, Dr Helen Archer, said: “The real problem is that they will know very quickly who the non-believers are because when you meet a cyclist it is absolutely impossible to hide your contempt.
“That said, I am not sure if their bike-based society would be better or worse than Clarkson’s being-a-prick-based society.”