Cyclists to create bike-themed superstate

PUSH bike devotees are scheming to subjugate the Western world to their deity Shimano, it emerged last night.

Cycling has become increasingly prevalent in recent months, despite being shit, triggering speculation those devoted to the hobby must have a more sinister agenda other than very uncomfortable transport.

Tom Logan, Grand Cantilever of the Guardians of Shimano, said: “We have now achieved Objective One of The Pedal Plan – to own the roads through being mildly obstructive.

“With the cars gone, we can zip around everywhere at speeds of over 30mph, garotting non-believers with brake wire.

“Once all dissenters are dead, we will begin to customise our body parts, replacing limbs with wheels, to become more like the mighty Shimano.

“In the new land of Pedallon all will be new and clean and emission-free. Clothes will be made of scrotum-hugging futuristic fabric and the only legal music will be Kraftwerk.”

He added: “If anyone tries to stand in our way, we will knock into them and then pretend it’s their fault.”

Conspirologoist, Dr Helen Archer, said: “The real problem is that they will know very quickly who the non-believers are because when you meet a cyclist it is absolutely impossible to hide your contempt.

 “That said, I am not sure if their bike-based society would be better or worse than Clarkson’s being-a-prick-based society.”

 

 

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Unions silenced by chimpanzee tube driver

TRANSPORT unions have been forced into a tactical rethink after it emerged a four year-old male chimpanzee is working on the Bakerloo line.

Bok-Bok, originally from Sierra Leone but currently based in Ealing, earns a nominal fee of £20 a year which he throws down the toilet.

A London Underground spokesman said: “We had the idea of recruiting chimps after reading that they had 94% human DNA and are capable of empathy and therefore superior to Bob Crow on both counts.

“We trained Bok-Bok using raisins. He was up to speed in about 35 minutes.

“He does tend to masturbate a lot and defecate in the cab but as he’s not on strike every five fucking minutes we’re more than happy to clean up his expulsions.”

He added: “We’re not celebrating yet but we do think Bok-Bok could be game, set and match.”

Transport workers have recently been awarded a 10% bonus for considering turning up for a spot of doing their jobs during the Olympics.

But testicle-headed union boss Bob Crow had been plotting further strike action over the withdrawal of out of date Vimto from staff room vending machines.

He said last night: “Yeah, but can the chimpanzee, you know, help an old lady who has fallen over or something?”