Dad vehemently denies falling asleep during film

A FATHER has angrily denied accurate accounts from multiple family members that he fell asleep during a film.

Contrary to the misguided observations of his wife and children, 45-year-old Bill McKay claims he was in fact merely dozing during a repeat of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on ITV2 and was still taking everything in.

He said: “Yes, my eyes were closed and I was snoring, but that does not mean I was asleep. So don’t go bloody changing the channel because I was watching that for the umpteenth time.

“As a dad I’m capable of watching films through my eyelids while my brain is shut down. It’s one of our special powers, along with never being able to get our kids’ names right on the first go and finding it impossible to make small talk with sons-in-law.

“I will just have to quickly rewind it by an hour though. Might as well take in the visuals while I’m here. It would be rude not to give Ke Huy Quan’s breakout role my full attention.”

McKay’s daughter Lucy said: “I don’t understand why he won’t admit to the truth. It’s 2023, nobody watches films all the way through, we’ve got phones.

“Plus it’s the weakest instalment of the original trilogy. His dreams were sure to have a more satisfying narrative.”

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Woman on phone creates new phonetic alphabet

A WOMAN has invented an entirely new phonetic alphabet over the course of one phone call, it has emerged.

Eleanor Shaw unexpectedly became a pioneer of language abbreviation while on a call to her energy provider during which she forgot that A is Alpha, along with all the other letters.

She said: “They asked me to spell my name, but I panicked and forgot the weird alphabet that anally-retentive military types use. I started to freestyle it then quickly realised I was out of my depth.

“Things started questionably as I began with ‘E for epilepsy’. The dead air on the other end of the line made things worse, and I scrambled to fill the void by opting for ‘L for lube’. The line was bad, so I had to shout that one three times.

“By the time I got to my surname my brain was fried. ‘S for ceiling’ was the best I could manage, before I broke down in tears and pleaded with him to start throwing out some suggestions and put me out of my misery. I was dying on my arse out there.”

Call taker Ryan Whittaker said: “I was about to step in when Eleanor started going off-piste and using letters outside of her name. ‘X for xenacious’ was a personal favourite. So many people go for predictable old xylophone.

“Sadly I couldn’t find her records though and had to cut her off.”