Deadbeat uncle still thinks he is cool uncle

A DEADBEAT uncle mistakenly believes he is a cool uncle, it has emerged.

Unemployed musician Wayne Hayes likes to think of himself as his nephews’ ‘cool, reckless, pot-smoking uncle’ despite them considering him their ‘unemployed, desperate, stale ale-smelling uncle’.

Hayes said: “I know the youngsters see me as this anarchic fun guy. After all, their dad’s a bloody miserable office drone bastard and he doesn’t wear biker boots or let them light fireworks like I do.”

Hayes’s nephew, Jack, 12, said: “The ‘cool uncle’ thing wore thin about three years ago.

“He’s fun for the first five minutes but then he tires himself out and he ends up falling asleep on the couch smelling like our kitchen does the day after Boxing Day.

“He doesn’t buy us fuck all either, which, being a kid, is all I really care about.”

Hayes’s other nephew James, seven, said: “Uncle Tom-Don’t-Lend-Him-Money is often asleep on the couch when Peppa Pig is on.

“We went to his house once and his bed is a sofa that folds out. I feel sad for him.”


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Ask Holly: I'll challenge Theresa May to a traditional Highland wrestling match

Dear Holly,

Shelve all talk of a second independence referendum because it is getting us nowhere; I’ve had a brainwave:  I’ll challenge Theresa May (Big T-Doll as we call her in Scotland) to a traditional Highland wrestling competition here at Holyrood and if I win I get to declare Scotland an independent country. Is this a good idea or do I need to lay off the Irn Bru?

Wee Nicola


Dear Nicola,

The worst type of violence that can be visited upon a person is the classic playground wedgie. Even being punched on the nose is better than having your underpants hoisted over your head by a bigger boy or girl so everyone in the entire school can see you are wearing your brother’s Spiderman pants because yours are all dirty on your bedroom floor. Not that I have any direct experience of this.

Hope that helps!