School uniform row has something for every idiot

A ROW over school uniforms has delighted a wide range of idiots across the UK.

The dispute at Sandiford Academy in Ramsgate has provoked interest among everyone from needlessly aggressive parents to bigots who hate modern Britain.

Donna Sheridan from Reading said: “It’s like when my Kkkourtnay was sent home from her school for wearing a perfectly normal pair of hot pants and a smart black bra top.

“I did what any normal parent would and lay down on a dual carriageway with a banner saying the school was worse than the SS.”

13-year-old gobshite Tom Booker, from Swindon, said: “My main goal in life is to disrupt lessons so I wore black trainers yesterday instead of shoes and argued the toss for ages. It saved me the hassle of provoking a fat kid until he snaps.

“I got sent home which enabled me to watch Murder, She Wrote. It was my best day since they found asbestos in the science block and we vandalised a tree.”

Accountant Roy Hobbs said: “I don’t know the full facts but I like that the headmaster has a ‘zero tolerance’ approach to whatever it is that is going on. That excites me.

“Also I like slagging off comprehensives and demanding disobedient children are beaten with clubs.”

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Any policy Michael Gove had anything to do with is f**king cancelled, says May

THERESA May has confirmed that Michael Gove’s prison reform, education policies and canteen pass have all been cancelled with extreme prejudice. 

The prime minister yesterday cancelled the flagship prisons policy created when Gove was justice minister, abolished the academies he created as education minister, and sealed his former seat on the front benches in lead until 2116.

She said: “Imagine you’d seen a poisonous frog on your sandwich. Would you eat it?

“If Gove touched it, it’s gone. The old Chief Whip’s whip has been burned, he’s being digitally removed from all photographs, and we’re not running a candidate in Surrey Heath next election. It can fall to fucking UKIP.

“It’s been a nightmare finding people who’d take his old cabinet posts. Liz Truss stepped forward, but she doesn’t get invited to after-work drinks, not these days. She’s tainted.

“He’s going back to writing newspaper columns, I’m told. Don’t read them. That’s how he lays his eggs in your mind.”