Everyone quite capable of taking drugs at home

BRITONS do not need to go to a nightclub to take drugs, it has been confirmed.

Following the closure of London nightclub Fabric, Britons explained that their ability to take drugs in their front rooms remained unaffected.

House owner Tom Logan said: “I don’t like going to clubs, but like everyone else I know I do like taking recreational drugs.

“I’m not sure what the local council can do about that. Take away my license to live in a house?”

Meanwhile dance music fans fear that the closure of venues could force them to go to illegal raves where it is freezing and the music is played by gurning 16-year-olds.

Rave fan Emma Bradford said: “The danger with free parties is that you have to keep your coat on all night, you always have to stay for about three days because you either lose your car keys or the person parked behind you loses theirs.

“To be honest going to clubs is a bit of a nightmare too. I’d rather just save money and take drugs at home where my bed is just up the stairs and nobody can throw me out for being too wasted.”

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Australia ideal trading partner, say Britons happy to wait three months for stuff

AUSTRALIA is the perfect trading partner for Britain due to being on the other side of the world, UK residents agree. 

As negotiations on a new trade agreement begin, Britons are delighted to be restoring links with a country that could not be further away and manufactures nothing. 

Norman Steele of Huddersfield said: “Bugger the European Union, with its freight rail links and fleets of trucks bringing goods to us overnight. 

“When I order a new stepladder, I want to click that button and be told it will be delivered in October next year with shipping costs of around £699. 

“And as it wends its way to me by container ship, crossing at least two oceans, the anticipation will make the moment when I finally open it up and ascend all the sweeter. 

“Plus they all speak English and love the Queen, which is important to me when I buy a jumper.” 

Trade minister Greg Hands said: “In our bright post-Brexit future everything from coffee to cable ties will be sent to us from Australia, abolishing impulse buying forever and destroying capitalism.”