New yoghurt not that creamy

A NEW type of yoghurt is being marketed on its lack of creaminess.

Flying in the face of accepted yoghurt logic, Rose Farm ‘Not That Creamy’ promises a thin, watery consistency.

A spokesman said: “It is neither creamy, not is it rich. It’s definitely not luxurious, it’s weak and runny.

“Our product is pretty much transparent and there’s not a lot of fruit in it either. Maybe the odd meagre fragment of raspberry.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s a refreshing change as yoghurts are so often aggressively creamy.

“Do they have an advert where a middle-aged woman eats it on a sofa while dreaming about muscly men?

“If so I will buy it.”

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Woman horrified to discover she is older than Beyonce

A WOMAN has decided to stop trying to achieve anything after discovering she is older than Beyonce.

36 year-old Helen Archer was dismayed to hear that Beyonce has just turned 35, leading her to conclude that she might as well just give up now.

Archer said: “I hadn’t really ever considered that Beyonce had an age. I thought she was sort of ageless, like the sea or a big rock.

“So when I heard she was a year younger than me, I was devastated. She’s won 20 Grammys whereas all I’ve ever won is a rosette at a gymkhana in 1986. She’s worth $450 million. My net worth is probably about £680.

“She even managed to turn her husband cheating on her into a million selling album and ground-breaking film. When my boyfriend cheated on me I threw a brick through his window and received a police caution.

“This has led me to realise that there is basically no point in me ever doing anything again for the rest of my life.

 “My sole activity will be to sit on a chair and eat cake, which is probably the only thing that I can do that she can’t.”