International football 'complete waste of time if you think about it'

THE World Cup 2018 qualifiers have been marred by a nagging awareness that there’s absolutely no point in playing them.

The second half of Wales-Moldova ground to a halt as players began to realise the complete futility of the match, the qualifying competition and human existence.

Gareth Bale said: “It suddenly dawned on me that ultimately there was no point in completing a hat-trick against Moldova.

“When you think about it we’ve got to play Serbia and Ireland and Georgia and Austria twice and then Moldova again, then if we’re lucky we qualify for the World Cup, which we’ll be eliminated from anyway.

“Plus in the end everyone you’ve ever known will die.”

England’s opening qualifier against Slovakia was delayed by 15 minutes due to malaise and during the second half Wayne Rooney openly started painting a water-colour of a monastery while sat on the halfway line.

Rooney said: “Around an hour in after our 15th unsuccessful cross, it occurred to me that I’d come to Trnava, a charming Slovak city with strong Gothic influences, and all I was doing was belting a ball around aimlessly.

“So I guess the three points were put into perspective by the sudden awareness of the narrow focus my life has taken and the essential impermanence of everything I’ve ever achieved.”


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Sainsbury’s had no idea social media storm would create publicity for its new meal deal

SAINSBURY’S has confirmed it had no idea that changing its meal deal ever-so-slightly would create a shitload of free publicity on social media.

The retailer’s new ‘On The Go’ meal deal will include slightly different sandwiches, sparking outrage among bovine idiots who will tweet about anything.

A Sainsbury’s spokesman said: We hadn’t even heard of social media before this.

“We certainly didn’t think people who had nothing better to do than dick about on so-called Twitter would start moaning and generating free publicity for us.

Next time we do something like this we might have to take it into account that this kind of thing could happen.”

Sandwich deal expert Julian Cook tweeted: “On the Go? More like On the No! #bringbackwhateveritishteyretakingaway”

The spokesman added: “We just hope people stop talking about it on social media, then we can all just move on.”

Or rather get ‘on the go’, which happens to be the name of our new sandwich deal.”