Did your degree improve your 'earning potential' or was it f**king useless? Take Rishi Sunak's quiz

RISHI Sunak says he will phase out degrees that do not improve ‘earning potential’ if he becomes Prime Minister. Did yours, or was it just a fun way to piss cash up the wall? Find out:

Did you have more than eight hours a week of lectures?

A) No. There was a reason I chose art history, and it wasn’t because I wanted to spend hours sitting in a lecture theatre while some boring old duffer tried to educate me. It’s where all the fit rich birds were.

B) Yes, my architecture degree required me to have 40 hours a week of contact time, which is why I’m allowed to be so horribly f**king smug about my job now.

Do your friends rip the piss out of your subject choice?

A) Yes. They think me throwing £50k away doing a degree in creative writing at a London university is hilarious, whereas I am quietly dying inside.

B) No. I’m a doctor now, so they’re slightly jealous of my wage while being utterly horrified by the hours I work.

Have you paid off your student loan?

A) Are you f**king kidding? I’ve only got nine years left before the outstanding amount is written off. Thanks, government.

B) Yes, I made it a priority after getting my mathematics degree and finding a job at a hedge fund. Only took a few months.

Does your current job have anything to do with what you studied?

A) Well, I suppose you could say a customer facing role at Aldi requires a certain degree of performance, so my Professional Acting BA wasn’t entirely wasted.

B) Yes, I’m a mechanical engineer. My mates thought it was a boring choice but who’s laughing now? Not them, with their fashion degrees and jobs in sales administration.

Did you study philosophy, politics and economics at Oxford?

A) No. Do I look like some kind of overprivileged twat desperate to be rich and important?

B) Yes, everyone knows this is the easiest way to join the British elite. Just ask David Cameron, Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt and me, Rishi Sunak.


Mostly As: Your degree has not improved your earning potential and is just a financial millstone around your neck. Hopefully you enjoyed yourself getting shitfaced and shagging anything that moved, because that’s literally all you’ve got out of it.

Mostly Bs: Your degree was worth it financially, but has turned you into either a rich wanker, morally dubious politician or a dangerously overworked medical practitioner. None of which are ultimately things to aspire to.

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Mum on holiday abroad making horrible attempt to pronounce words correctly

A MOTHER on holiday abroad is trying and failing to pronounce foreign words correctly, it has been confirmed.

Margaret Gerving from Pangbourne, who is spending a fortnight with her embarrassed family in Lyon, is certain that her guttural mangling of the French language will be understood and appreciated by the locals.

She said: “It’s important to show some respect and make an effort. That’s why I’m tightening my throat and churning up some phlegm just to say ‘merci’. I bet nobody suspects I’m from a different country.

“Fumbling my way through a foreign language like that officer from ‘Allo ‘Allo is more polite than shouting in English and wildly gesticulating like mon mari. That’s français for ‘my other half’, by the way.”

Margaret’s son Tom said: “It’s so embarrassing. Mum can’t even pronounce croissant properly, even though she says it all the time at home. I reckon everyone thinks she’s taking the piss.

“Now she’s getting carried away and forgetting that she can’t actually speak French. She’ll just chat in English with a bad French accent and somehow expect to be understood.

Mind you, it was worse when we went to Northumberland last summer and she tried to imitate their dialect. We were lucky to escape with our lives.”