Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats

SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.

Norman: Yes they do

Poor grammar and spelling are the mark of an imbecile and, worse, a traitor who disrespects our fine language as surely as if they had micturated and evacuated their bowels on the Bard’s grave.

I am in deeply love with the English language, although if pressed I find it hard to give any examples of literature. I think my favourite work has to be Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, probably by Shelley, a poet who I’ve heard of. That and Day of the Jackal, by our greatest novelist, Frederick Forsyth.

Fortunately I benefited from a very traditional education and have an infuriatingly pedantic interest in the difference between ‘over’ and ‘more than’. I bore my wife with it and feel very clever, when I’m not droning on about the country going to the dogs.

So to summarise: I hate young people and anything modern.

Josh: No they do’nt

Language is constantly evolving so there is’nt a right or wrong way do sentences and shit. And I’m not just saying that because I got a E in GCSE English and apostrophy’s are as baffling to me as a dog trying to fly a Boeing 747.

If people understand you its fine, feel me? And obscure street slang and internet terms really add to the richness of the English language, if anyone can remember them three months later. 

Again this is not to do with my hopeless writing skillz, but I would move to phonetic English. How much simpler would it be if I could just text: ‘dee ah mum an dad i am cumin home 4 da weak end do yoo wont me 2 pic up n e thing from tha shop lyk bred or sum ex???’

Thats what I would do. I just don’t understand why whenever I apply for a job I iz be gettin rejections.

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Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart

GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.

Become obsessed with exercise

Becoming obsessed with exercise is a great way to seem young – and bore people senseless with your exercise regime. Extremely long runs are good, yoga is pretty tedious to talk about and cycling gives you the opportunity to wear disturbingly tight lycra.

Dress young

Be visibly in denial about the relentless march of time by dressing like a teenager, regardless of your age. Eschew M&S knitwear for fast fashion, embracing bright crop tops and flared jeans like you did when they were stylish the first time around. If your children are revolted and suddenly want to throw out their whole wardrobe, you’re doing it right.

Use the latest social media

Children love it when their parents start following them on social media sites. It’s a great way to demonstrate an interest in their lives while also staying up-to-date about the latest celebrity scandals and memes. Make sure you comment on all of their Instagram posts, peppering your praise with ‘hip’ emojis like an aubergine or peach. 

Join in on young people’s conversations

If you overhear two shop assistants chatting about the latest Kid Cudi track, try and jump in with an opinion, whether you have one or not. Ask them questions about ‘young people things’. To really look odd, ask if they’d like to go for a drink with you sometime, or what the coolest local ‘discos’ are. 

Totally regress to your teenage years

Get drunk a lot, develop an interest in drugs even if you were never into that sort of thing 30 years ago, and try to sleep around. And for the true teenage experience, obsess about new bands that aren’t very good.