'With regards to yourself' and other annoying ways people speak

LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:

Footballer tense

Known as the perfect tense by purists, it’s widely used by footballers and pundits, eg. ‘He’s got round the back and he’s crossed the ball’. Also popular with the police, as in ‘He’s gone into the shop without a face mask and I’ve gone in and I’ve spoke to him’. Makes you sound strangely like a robot.

Upspeak

Making every statement of fact sound like a question sounds as if you’re constantly seeking validation. Either that or you were brought up on a 1990s diet of Friends, Home and Away, and Sex and the City.

Misapprehensions

It’s irritating when, in an attempt to sound knowledgeable, people use long words without having a clue what they actually mean. They probably think Portmanteau is a lovely little resort near Biarritz where one can sit by the harbour with a bottle of Chateaubriand.

Salesperson speak

If someone has called to mis-sell you PPI and you haven’t put the phone down on them, you’ll have heard them using unnecessarily long phrases like ‘with regards to yourself’. They believe this makes them sound well-spoken, but ‘like a dickhead’ is more accurate.

Circumlocution

Do you ramble on in a foppish way, unable to say what’s really on your mind? It’s either the result of being sent to public school, watching too many Richard Curtis films starring Hugh Grant or possibly being Boris Johnson and thinking this affectation impresses people. Which, sadly, it appears it does.

Seven jobs you've been putting off for three years that would take five minutes

WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.

Moving the old post from the sideboard

Moving envelopes is just so much effort. Far better to wait until you have a paper Mount Everest on your kitchen sideboard and then set fire to it.

Putting stuff at the bottom of the stairs to take upstairs

Even though you use the stairs at least 10 times a day, it never feels like the right time to take the ‘to go up’ pile with you. Instead you keep promising yourself you’ll take it up on your next trip but it never happens, until you find yourself thinking ‘Oh, the third step up is where we keep that stuff now’.

Take your meter readings

The electricity company have repeatedly told you that you need to supply a meter reading so they can send you an accurate bill. And you repeatedly do not. You just carry on paying the higher amount like you’re some kind of carefree millionaire.

Print out pictures

You’ve been meaning to get your photographs printed since 2005 but all you have to show for it is a cupboard full of beautiful empty frames. Now there are even more photos to deal with. F**k it, the frame people are better looking than your family anyway.

Putting toilet roll on the holder

You could literally do this job while taking a shit, it’s that easy. Yet, no. You just continuously shove the new toilet roll on top of the loo until the bathroom is full of empty tubes. You are pathetic.

Updating your software

You are not the boss of me, phone. I’ll update you when I am good and ready. Which is around about… never.

Sorting out the Tupperware cupboard

Far easier to spend three hours looking for a lid to match the tub every time you need one than to take five minutes sorting the cupboard out, right? Until eventually the lids mysteriously disappear altogether.