Andy McNab's SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.


You don’t want some pub full of girly wankers blocking the bar as they pointlessly decide whether to get a rocket salad or a whole bottle of shiraz. Select a target with clear bar space by hiding in a nearby bush with night vision binoculars for 48 hours. 

Synchronise watches, check GPS

You want to get in there slightly ahead of the lunchtime crowd, so the optimal strike time is 11.50am. You’ll have caught the casual office drinker completely off guard – and the bastards are going to pay for it.

Initial breach

You need at least two blokes securing positions at the bar. If necessary, block the doorway with a few lads or lasses chatting aimlessly while irritated pubgoers try to squeeze past. Regroup at the bar and have a look at the lunchtime menu.

Go in hard on the drinks

You’ve now got the strategic advantage, so put a f**king massive drinks order in, much to the annoyance of everyone else trying to get served. You can probably get four pints down in an hour if you’re disciplined, so line them up. Get some chicken wings and nachos as a diversionary tactic.

Situational awareness

In Bravo Two Zero we fought a running battle in constant fear of being outflanked. Lunch hour drinking is no different. Use a system of hand signals across the pub to get Emma to get Lucy another sauv blanc if she’s running low and needs to go to the loo.

Tactical retreat

Have your unit ready to head back to the office on the shout of ‘GO! GO! GO!’. This is a matter of split-second timing, because some bosses can be really arsey about you being five minutes late back from lunch.

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'Doesn't suffer fools gladly', and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards

SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.

‘Doesn’t suffer fools gladly’

If you want to call someone an absolute twat in a nice way, this is a good phrase to choose. It was first coined by Saint Paul in his second letter to the Church at Corinth, so you could even say it is the Christian way to slag someone off.

‘No-nonsense type’

Has your next-door neighbour come round and threatened you because you parked your car a centimetre in front of their drive? You could call them a no-nonsense type, or you could call them a total psychopath with anger management issues.


This is a fancy and complicated way of describing an unreasonable person. Hopefully they might also be stupid too, so that they think you’re complimenting them in a posh way, rather than suggesting they’d be a nightmare to get drunk with.

‘Takes no shit from anyone’

This sounds tough but instantly marks you out as someone who enjoys disagreeing with people for the sake of it. The type of person who would threaten to punch a stranger in the pub for looking at them ‘funny’, or enjoy sending death threats to people on the neighbourhood Facebook group who they believe have disrespected them.

‘Moody f**king bastard’

When all else fails, just be honest about it. At least if you tell someone they’re a bellend to their face, it’s unlikely they’ll want to hang out with you ever again.