Friday, 14th May 2021

Andy McNab's SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.

Recon

You don’t want some pub full of girly wankers blocking the bar as they pointlessly decide whether to get a rocket salad or a whole bottle of shiraz. Select a target with clear bar space by hiding in a nearby bush with night vision binoculars for 48 hours. 

Synchronise watches, check GPS

You want to get in there slightly ahead of the lunchtime crowd, so the optimal strike time is 11.50am. You’ll have caught the casual office drinker completely off guard – and the bastards are going to pay for it.

Initial breach

You need at least two blokes securing positions at the bar. If necessary, block the doorway with a few lads or lasses chatting aimlessly while irritated pubgoers try to squeeze past. Regroup at the bar and have a look at the lunchtime menu.

Go in hard on the drinks

You’ve now got the strategic advantage, so put a f**king massive drinks order in, much to the annoyance of everyone else trying to get served. You can probably get four pints down in an hour if you’re disciplined, so line them up. Get some chicken wings and nachos as a diversionary tactic.

Situational awareness

In Bravo Two Zero we fought a running battle in constant fear of being outflanked. Lunch hour drinking is no different. Use a system of hand signals across the pub to get Emma to get Lucy another sauv blanc if she’s running low and needs to go to the loo.

Tactical retreat

Have your unit ready to head back to the office on the shout of ‘GO! GO! GO!’. This is a matter of split-second timing, because some bosses can be really arsey about you being five minutes late back from lunch.