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Does your barista fancy you? No, but take our quiz anyway

YOUR barista is not making a pass at you, sorry. But kid yourself they are by taking this quiz:

What happens when you enter the coffee shop?

A) The barista scowls at you and says ‘for f**k’s sake’ under their breath. The last thing they need is to make your third latte of the day.

B) Their face lights up and they call out ‘well, if it isn’t my favourite customer’ while playfully twirling their hair.

How do they take your order?

A) The same way they take everyone else’s order: with a dead-eyed stare into the middle distance while mentally counting down the remaining seconds of their shift.

B) With rapt attention and a coquettish gaze. ‘Just like you’ they giggle when you say you want your coffee extra hot.

What happens when they bring your drink over?

A) The cup is slammed down onto your table with an aggressive clink and some of the hot liquid splashes onto your crotch. Ouch.

B) They set it down with a cheerful sigh and ask if you’re waiting to meet your partner. When you say you haven’t got one they lean over and whisper ‘I hoped you’d say that’ into your ear.

Have they made you latte art?

A) Maybe. There’s a chance the ambiguous swirls in your cup could be called art, but it must be that shitty abstract expressionist stuff nobody likes.

B) Yes, it’s a detailed picture of the two of you locking lips complete with realistic shading and accurate body proportions. They’re wasted in this place.

Have they given you their number?

A) Of course not.

B) Yes, they’ve written it in lipstick on a napkin and added a few kisses for good measure, the flirt.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Judging by their open resentment towards you it looks like your barista doesn’t have the hots for you. They’re not playing hard to get either, so stop wasting everyone’s time and f**k of home.

Mostly Bs: None of this actually happened, did it? Because if it did they’d be sacked for sexually harassing customers. Take the quiz again and answer truthfully this time. Hint: all the correct answers are A.

Young people buying cassettes are twats

YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed. 

The culprits are assumed to be the same dicks who were already buying albums on vinyl who have now taken their bullshit further than any society can reasonably f**king stand.

Helen Archer, aged 47, said: “There was one good thing about tapes and that was blank tapes. So you could tape albums. That, and that alone, was f**king brilliant.

“Otherwise they sounded shite, they got chewed up in the machine, and they were bulky cheap plastic bollocks. You could only be nostalgic for them if you weren’t there.

“Vinyl I kind of get. It’s big and the covers look nice and it sounds good if you’ve got decent speakers. CDs still sound better, though the concept of the Discman was fundamentally flawed.

“But if you’re out there buying tapes of Dua Lipa albums you deserve to have the tab covered with Sellotape and your older brother record his Def Leppard album over it. Or unwound and wrapped around street furniture, like the old days.”

Singer Lana Del Rey said: “I brought out a limited edition cassette of my last album, and I want any fan who bought it to know: you’re a twat and I hate you.”