90 per cent of romantic country stroll spent finding secluded spot for girlfriend to piss

A COUPLE have spent the majority of their scenic weekend stroll searching for a suitable place for the woman to take a piss.

Lucy Parry and Jack Browne spent two hours wandering around looking for a discreet location after she refused to pee in the pub next to the car park because it had ‘bad vibes’.

Jack Browne said: “Yes, it may have had a blood stain on the floor of the bar and a vicious dog outside, but do you know what else it had? Plumbing.

“Now we’ve spent ages faffing about trying to find a spot far enough from the path to be hidden but not in such dense undergrowth that she gets a twig up her arse.

“There’s literally no one else here anyway so she should just piss wherever she likes. After all, nature’s greatest perk is that the whole thing is basically a massive, scenic toilet.”

Having eventually relieved herself, Parry said: “If he keeps on about it, I’m not going to feel bad that I used his scarf to tidy up the drips.”

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Best film one you didn't know was on, have seen before and start halfway through when pissed

THE best film ever is officially one you have seen before, did not know was on and turn on halfway through at a good bit when drunk. 

Movies like Citizen Kane, The Hurt Locker and Moonlight have been beaten hands down by seeing what is on telly and finding a Drew Barrymore rom-com that has already been going 30 minutes.

Film critic Grace Wood-Morris said: “Bollocks to Atonement. The best film experience any viewer will ever have is giving up on some worthy Oscar-winner to find ITV’s showing that Fast and Furious where they’re about to parachute cars out of a plane.

“There’s no feeling like being half-cut and opening another bottle of wine to discover some shit starring Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock’s on and it’s actually loads funnier than you remember and Donald Trump’s in it.

“Do you want to see a compelling film with outstanding performances about a major social issue? Do you f**k. Will you stay up until half-one to see the end of X-Men: Apocalypse, even though you’ve no idea who any of the pricks are? Yes.

“To reflect the average viewer’s experience, the Bafta Academy are going to stumble across all next year’s nominees at 11.30pm on a Saturday while well on the way. And they’ll all be the greatest f**king film they ever saw.”